Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

<due to extenuating circumstances my 12-year-old had to accompany me to the hospital this weekend; as I got him settled in my office before rounds he heard a noise>

“Dad, what’s that weird sound? Is that a code blue?”

“No, son, that’s the fax machine”

— Mark Lewis (@marklewismd) June 24, 2023

I’m not sure I drank 5 glasses of water my whole childhood but I’m sitting here watching my 4yo drink LaCroix with frozen strawberries out of a tiny wine goblet while she watches cartoons.

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) June 24, 2023

If you’ve ever wondered what’s possible with motherhood, today I found sweet potato in my pockets.

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 28, 2023

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 25, 2023

My 9yr old is at her first sleepover with her 2 best friends and she just tried to prank me pretending to be calling from Pizza Hut and trying to disguise her voice however she was FaceTiming me from her tablet 🤣

— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) June 25, 2023

Asked my daughter what she thinks her dad does for a living and she said “he presses the laptop”

— Oré. (@Ms_Ore) June 28, 2023

A cool thing about having kids is that you now constantly have rocks in your house. What’s that on your nightstand? A rock. What’s in the couch cushion? A rock. What’s that in the bathroom sink? You’ll never guess.

— Lindsay Fickas (@lindsayfickas) June 29, 2023

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 26, 2023

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) June 26, 2023

My 13 yr old son just told his 8 yr old sister “Your frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed yet so I’m not going to take any of your insults seriously.” She didn’t even know how to respond to that

— Taco (Biggie’s Version) (@bgschnikelfritz) June 30, 2023

I hate when you pack for a trip early and have to wear second tier underwear for the rest of the week.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 27, 2023

My son locked himself in a bathroom at our new house and while my husband and I panicked and tried to give him instructions to flip the lock through the door he kept yelling “MAMA I WASHED MY HANDS. No no you listen to ME!! I did it ALL BY MYSELF!!” Gotta love 3yos.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 24, 2023

After hollering at them to put on good clothes to go out to a nice restaurant, our 7yo later overheats & almost passes out at brunch, where then 9 just had to say “see this is why you don’t dress nice”

— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) June 27, 2023

what i mean when i say i'm going to bed : i sleep

what my wife means when she says she's going to bed: bakes 2 cakes, does yoga, takes a shower, watches 5 hours of tiktoks. maybe sleeps. forgets to charge her phone for the next day.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 27, 2023

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That's called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023

Me: Did you have fun with Grandma?

9-year-old: Yeah.

Me: What did you do?

9: What happens with Grandma says with Grandma.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2023

Thought I blew my kids' minds when I told them about smoking/non-smoking restaurant sections but then my 8yo casually shrugged and said, "You could do anything in the 80's"

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 27, 2023

Just talking to my kid about sleep away camp and this look of terror crosses her face and she says, “and we do nothing but sleep for 2 weeks?!!” Ummmmm no, but if anyone knows of a camp like that for parents, sign me up.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 28, 2023

Dude thank you so much for playing those sick Top 40 hits on the hiking trail I was worried the hike wouldn't make me feel like I was at a grocery store

— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) June 25, 2023

I like having fellow toddler moms as friends because I’ll text them like “sorry, we are going to be 25 minutes late to the park, we saw an ant.” And they’re like “no problem we’re gonna be 30 bc he had to put on his own shoes.”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2023