20 of the Funniest Tweets From “redyellowgreendance”

I placed an Instacart grocery order today, and got a text that the store is out of the brand of hummus I ordered, so naturally they’re replacing it with Neutrogena nighttime face cream.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) July 5, 2023

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) December 2, 2023

There are people who open each piece of mail the day it arrives, and those who put unopened mail in an ever-growing pile in a corner.
And those two people live together.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) January 20, 2024

It’s so rude when my neighbors are arguing, but not loud enough for me to understand what they’re saying.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 4, 2024

I’m “got fined by the video store for not rewinding my tape before returning it” years old.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) April 29, 2021

Apparently I’m ok leaving my home in a state of utter disarray when my family visits, but clean like a beast because I care deeply about the opinion of the guy who comes to measure my windows for new blinds.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) September 28, 2021

Me: “My god, we have never-ending laundry.”
My son, 8: “Well maybe that wouldn’t happen if you all stopped getting me CLOTHES for my birthday.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 13, 2024

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) February 1, 2024

I used to say things like “How late does this bar close?”
And now I say things like “Make sure the cap clicks when you put it back on, otherwise that marker will dry out.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) May 21, 2020

How many school concerts do you need to experience before realizing you need black pants and white shirts that actually fit your children before the day of the concert? Because it’s not 6.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) December 11, 2023

Autocorrect just turned “Think of others for a change” into “Think of otters for a change”, and now I agree that’s a better solution.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 4, 2024

“You need to unsharpen your legs.”

– My 6 yr old, lovingly curled up against my unshaven calf

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) November 2, 2021

Kids be like “I don’t like these strings on my banana, I think I’ll take them off and just rest them here on this throw pillow.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) September 30, 2023

If you didn’t read every word on the cereal box like a novel while you were eating, did you even grow up in the 80s?

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) September 26, 2020

I’m almost 47 and I just got my first tattoo.
Someone please comfort my grieving mother.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) September 5, 2023

Tried to access an account on my phone while sitting outside, but apparently my Face ID doesn’t recognize my face illuminated by actual sunlight, so I had to go back inside my dark cave/natural habitat in order to log in successfully.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) April 15, 2024

Parenting is knowing not to mention the mere possibility of doing some awesomely exciting activity, unless you damn well intend for it to definitely occur

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) October 9, 2022

My 5-yr-old thinks this "!" is called an electrocution point, so that's what we'll be calling it now.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) July 29, 2021

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) February 24, 2024