Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across in April of 2024.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
Wife accused me of stealing her élite moisturizer because I’ve been looking “way too dewy.” And guess what? She’s right. Stuff is a game changer that they’ve been hiding from us, boys.
— Joe Bernstein (@Bernstein) April 22, 2024
#2
It's my wife's job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024
#3
My husband went to the craft store with my kid and brought home three containers of glitter, in case you’re wondering why I changed the locks
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 2, 2024
#4
Anyone know what to do when your wife apologizes to you? This is my first time.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) April 3, 2024
#5
Husband: Where are you going?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 3, 2024
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You're going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
#6
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) April 6, 2024
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
#7
My wife and I are currently on day three of a silent argument of who is going to clean the lasagna pan that's soaking next to the sink.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 7, 2024
#8
Budgeting tip: You can free up a lot of space, and possibly save money, on your family cloud storage if you delete those pictures of the groceries you sent your wife while grocery shopping.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 11, 2024
#9
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you're not in bed with me.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 13, 2024
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
#10
For a relationship to be successful you have to like going on your phones the exact same amount
— em (@cbcradio2) April 11, 2024
#11
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) April 14, 2024
#12
Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 12, 2024
#13
[sitting at a table]
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 3, 2024
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
*thermostat negotiations*
#14
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn't want them to see this mess.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) April 17, 2024
#15
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote "A Better Attitude"
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 15, 2024
Do I laugh or….?
#16
You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
— Jim Corbridge (@MrBonMot) April 21, 2024
#17
If my wife and I did a cooking show it would just be her telling me I'm in the way.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 17, 2024
#18
I was really struggling to get my wife's attention….
— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) April 1, 2024
So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
#19
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess whose vacation clothes are in a tree right now
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 19, 2024
#20
Dating does nothing to prepare you for the stage of marriage when you’re annoyed with how loudly they turn on the light.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 7, 2024
#21
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 23, 2024
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
#22
me: did you see the video I sent you
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 2, 2024
my husband:
me:
my husband: I saw that you sent it
#23
Me: Babe, I took care of the laundry. I even put all your Lululemon pants in the dryer for you.
— Robert Sterling (@RobertMSterling) April 3, 2024
My wife: pic.twitter.com/WhbX4WZeEl
#24
My wife said something about her jeans being too tight while we were driving on a dirt road and now we are nominated for a Country Music Award.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 8, 2024
#25
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen "to get something."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 23, 2024
