20 Funny Jokes to Start Your Weekend Off With a Laugh

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) March 28, 2023

I named my dog 6 Miles.

That way, I can tell everybody I walk 6 Miles everyday.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) August 6, 2022

I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.

She said, "How do you know it was on its way to work?”

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) February 11, 2023

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's five years in a row now.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) July 24, 2023

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) May 18, 2023

I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on 'Take Your Kid To Work Day' But when we walked in the office she started to cry.

As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you work with.”

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) January 25, 2023

My wife asked me today if I had seen
the dog bowl.

I said no I didn't know he could.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) February 3, 2022

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.

It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) February 7, 2023

My housemates are convinced our
house is haunted.

l've lived here for 235 years and not noticed anything strange.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) February 1, 2023

My granddad always said "When one door closes another one opens"

Lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) March 13, 2023

I asked my wife when her birthday was. She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) November 4, 2023

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement?

In the end I ignore it all and click “I agree.”

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) April 6, 2023

Two antennas got married. The wedding was ok.

But the reception was incredible.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) August 6, 2022

My wife said: “That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?”

I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) April 24, 2023

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) June 4, 2023

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) January 29, 2023

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
 
She gave me a hug.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) December 17, 2022

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.

They put me in the ICU.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) November 30, 2022

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) November 22, 2022

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said:
"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said:
"Bring my laptop back now.”

I said: "$200 and it’s yours.”

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) February 28, 2023