As a mom, I post a lot about mom life, and post a lot of stuff written by moms. But there are so many super funny dads on Twitter sharing relatable quips about marriage and parenting and I wanted to give them a little spotlight as well.
Here are some of my favorite dad tweets…hope they bring you some laughs!
Janene
#1
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2022
#2
Happy Friday! If you think you've had a rough week, I just accidently kicked a Buzz Lightyear toy under the table while on a Zoom call, so my client describing his legal problem just heard "This is an intergalactic emergency!"
— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) October 18, 2024
#3
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $56 for our family to pick them ourselves.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 25, 2022
#4
My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 16, 2022
#5
[holding newborn as the nurses stitch my wife back up, change her sheets, inject her with pain meds, explain she needs a transfusion bc she lost a lot of blood during the 37 hour labour] we should name him after me
— brent (@murrman5) October 7, 2022
#6
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) August 16, 2018
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
#7
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022
#8
DATING: can’t wait to see you again
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
#9
My son is sick so his voice is all congested-sounding and he asked me for crepes for breakfast. So I googled a crepe recipe, made a crepe even though I never have before. Put it down in front of him and he was like “these are grapes?” He just wanted some grapes.
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) October 21, 2022
#10
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark' so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) September 21, 2022
#11
Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 25, 2022
Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.
Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.
#12
My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) January 13, 2023
#13
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn't want them to see this mess.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) April 17, 2024
#14
My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant
— The Dad (@thedad) November 5, 2018
#15
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 1, 2020
#16
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 18, 2023
#17
Worcestershire and iota having the same number of syllables is why I have trust issues.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) November 20, 2022
#18
I told my 7yo that I’m 38, and she started crying. When I asked why, she said, “I’m just sad because old people die.” So now I’m both touched because she loves me so much, and depressed because she obviously thinks my life expectancy is that of a 17th century colonial farmer.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 21, 2021
#19
Whenever there's a baby delivered in a TV show, moms are required to say, "That's not a newborn."
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) October 3, 2022
#20
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯🎃Dad Moon Rising🎃🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) October 4, 2022
