20 of the Funniest Tweets From Dads

Raising teenagers makes raising a toddler look like the easiest time in my life. Sorry for the bad news, toddler parents.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 11, 2022

My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant

— The Dad (@thedad) November 5, 2018

one thing about adulthood i was not prepared for was how many cardboard boxes i'd have to breakdown and throw away all the time.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 14, 2022

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark' so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) September 21, 2022

[holding newborn as the nurses stitch my wife back up, change her sheets, inject her with pain meds, explain she needs a transfusion bc she lost a lot of blood during the 37 hour labour] we should name him after me

— brent (@murrman5) October 7, 2022

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022

Not sure what my son mumbled, but what I do know is my wife stomped across the room, shut off the TV, and gave him a glare that actually caused his soul to leap from his body and clean the living room, and for this reason alone I think she deserves to be the next Avenger.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) October 2, 2021

my superpower is ruining my kids life by telling them to empty the dishwasher in between their schedule of doing nothing and nothing.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 16, 2022

My wife makes us put $5 in the "find jar" every time we make her find something we can't locate in the house.

After 13 months of saving, today we are buying a Ford Explorer

— Michael James (@MikeJamesAuthor) October 17, 2022

Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?

Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.

Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 25, 2022

I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as a UPS driver they'd probably let me work from home.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 14, 2022

My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) January 13, 2023

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2022

40% of my wife and I's conversations go like this:

me: what?
wife: i was talking to the dog

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 4, 2022

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

— Fulkery, A Parody Wrapped in an Enigma (@Fulkery1) June 26, 2022

Parenthood is seeing how many times you can say "let me think about it" with the hope that your kid forgets to ask again

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 15, 2022

My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 26, 2021

To all the exhausted new parents out there, it gets better. Then it gets a little worse. Then for a while, things are going to get SO much better. Ok but after that, they’ll be worse than you ever could have imagined. But then, after THAT, a little worse actually

— The Dad (@thedad) November 10, 2022

Whenever there's a baby delivered in a TV show, moms are required to say, "That's not a newborn."

— A Dad Influence #🟦 (@gbergan) October 3, 2022