25 of the Funniest Tweets For Valentine’s Day

Me: Do you want me to pick up some Valentine's candy for you and the girls today?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Me: Seriously?

Wife: It'll be on sale tomorrow.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2018

I asked my dad what he’s doing for Valentine’s Day and he said “your mom and I have been married 40 years so we don’t care about stuff like that” then I asked my mom what she’s doing for Valentine’s Day and she said “idk but I hope your dad has something fun planned!”

— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) February 14, 2022

“What did you get her for Valentine’s Day?”

UNMARRIED GUY: a card, flowers, perfume and i’m cooking dinner

MARRIED GUY: we got a new garbage disposal last month

— eEric (@ericsshadow) February 14, 2018

She doesn’t want flowers, she wants someone else to make dinner and put the laundry away.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 14, 2023

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 14, 2019

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 26, 2019

My husband proposed two days after Valentine's day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

— c🐞 (@shesatornado) February 15, 2019

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a romantic Valentine’s dinner we can all fight about 5th grade math homework and have macaroni and cheese again.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2022

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 13, 2020

Him: tell me your wildest fantasy
Me: 14 hours of sleep and then a buffet breakfast

— Ali Kolbert (@AliKolbert) March 17, 2019

My wife and I agreed not to get each other anything for Valentine’s Day but I can’t stop feeling nervous.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2021

My husband just "ran out for a quick errand" and I could tell by the panic in his eyes he just realized Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 13, 2017

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.

— Colm Flynn (@colmflynnire) February 14, 2022

My husband and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards 2 days ago in the card aisle at Target and then returned them to the shelf because we'd rather purchase Valentine's Day cannolis.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 14, 2022

I just watched my husband pour his orange juice into a measuring cup and sip it like a fine wine while walking past a sink full of dishes in case you were wondering how married people celebrate Valentine’s Day

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 14, 2022

My parents have been married 60 years. My mom told me she has been giving my dad the same Valentine’s Day card for TWENTY years. And the beauty is he has no idea. He reads it in its entirety every year. And then she puts it back in a drawer for next year. Freaking genius.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 13, 2024

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 11, 2021

5-year-old: *makes a Valentine's Day card*

Me: Who's it for?

5: Me. I like me the most.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2020

Annual reminder that heart shaped pizza is less pizza for the same amount of money.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 8, 2024

I miss the way Valentine’s Day felt when I was in elementary. They made sure everybody felt special and nobody was left out😂

— Kai Kenzo 𓂀☥ (@kaikenzoe) January 11, 2022

My wish for all of you is that you receive a Valentine as wholesome as the one my 11 year old son received today. pic.twitter.com/nOl1y3ZCBC

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 12, 2021

My son got this balloon on Valentine's Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, "be patient, it will come down" but he didn't believe me. "If it comes down I get an iPad!" he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling. pic.twitter.com/jR7RuvwDa4

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 23, 2020

my relationship has faced no bigger threat than my girlfriend watching teenagers on tiktok go all out for valentine’s day

— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) February 14, 2021