If you’re feeling like it’s already been a long week, take a little humor break with these 20 tweets that made me laugh.
Wishing you a good rest of the week!
Janene
#1
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said "enjoy your night" so I said "not today, thanks" and left.
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) September 1, 2017
#2
Squeezing in 6 months worth of flossing in the next 36 hours in preparation for my dentist appointment.
— LL Gabagool Jay (@JayTorch1031) October 6, 2022
#3
My 5yo told me he's carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 8, 2023
#4
I don't like it when when people text me in abbreviations at this old age. They'll be like "GM."
— Bill Vlachos (@grecianheat305) October 30, 2023
Well General Motors to you too.
#5
Sometimes having a toddler is difficult and sometimes as you’re pushing his stroller past a cluster of startled pigeons he casually says, “Don’t worry, birds, we’re not really giants.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) June 11, 2023
#6
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 10, 2018
#7
Broke an egg making breakfast this morning. My insurance company said an adjuster will be out tomorrow.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) February 12, 2025
#8
Not me thinking about what I’m going to get for takeout as the cashier rings up my $350 worth of groceries.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 1, 2023
#9
How much cheese you eat between the grating and the plating is nobody's business but your own
— superastrofemme (@superastrofemme) May 26, 2023
#10
don’t mean to sound like a sickly victorian woman riddled with consumption but i do feel like a little trip to the seaside would fix me
— mar (@itsmariannnna) May 31, 2023
#11
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 28, 2023
#12
[Putting the exact same task on my weekly to-do list for the 16th week in a row] maybe this time
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) December 27, 2023
#13
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
— Chris Bakke (@ChrisJBakke) July 16, 2024
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
#14
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 9, 2023
#15
Sometimes you think to yourself “I need a change in my life”. Then you go to your local supermarket and they’ve swapped everything around and you realise things were just fine as they were.
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) October 9, 2023
#16
I’m “I once wore stirrup pants” years old.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) January 16, 2019
#17
My son just turned 2 and never stops talking but I can’t understand him 60% of the time, so he says things LOUDER and with more URGENCY.
— emily may (@emilykmay) May 17, 2023
Today, after saying it 89x, I figured out he was yelling “TWO ARMS!!!!!!!!”
Me: “…you have two arms?”
“YES!”
That was it.
#18
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 29, 2023
Me, the invisible duster: ok
#19
3yo, playing with her dolls: Mommy, I love you!
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 9, 2023
Me: Aw I love you too.
3yo: Oh. That was actually my baby talking to me.
Me: Oh.
3yo: Nobody said that to you.
Me: Right.
Me: Sorry.
#20
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) July 16, 2024