25 Funny Marriage Tweets That Every Wife Will Relate To

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 6, 2020

My husband and I are going on a cross country road trip. I’m in charge of snacks and entertainment. He’s in charge of “driving straight through” and “beating the GPS time”.
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Clearly we both know our strengths in this relationship.

— Tiffany (@tiffanytweets80) May 12, 2022

Husbands be like, “I’m gonna nap in this room that everyone uses and then act grumpy when everyone uses it.”

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) November 30, 2020

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making breakfast for the family. He’s asked me 12 different times what we all want to eat, set off the smoke alarm twice and is now yelling for everyone to eat cereal

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 1, 2022

Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 24, 2021

My husband has piles miscellaneous documents on every flat surface in our home, infinite clothing living on a decorative bench in our bedroom and is currently hoarding a box of pens from 2005…and he just asked if I knew I had 3 open coffee creamers in the fridge. Pray for him.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) December 16, 2020

My husband told me we were out of BBQ sauce because he couldn’t find it so I went to the fridge & looked behind the milk & OMG it’s a miracle: we’re not out of BBQ sauce.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 24, 2018

I tested the strength of my husband by having him rearrange the living room furniture. I tested the strength of our marriage by having him move the furniture back to where it originally was.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) June 3, 2015

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn't looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He's been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 12, 2019

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013

Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!

Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders

Wife: Wait

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) November 20, 2018

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 21, 2022

A truck is here to cut a giant tree down in my neighbor’s yard, so now my husband has to cancel all his plans and stand by the window for the next 2 hours.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 15, 2022

My husband’s new Apple Watch tells him to get up and move around, breath, sets timers for him, reminds him of important events. All for $400. I mean, I was already doing all that for free but whatever

— Melissa Gutierrez (@Fiveoclockmommy) October 11, 2020

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015

My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS

— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 31, 2021

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022

My husband told me to dress nice because he was going to take me somewhere really expensive.

I swear to God, if it’s the Lowe’s lumber aisle, it’s over.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 6, 2021

Hubs, “I can’t remember if I locked the door.”

Me, “But do you remember flirting with that waitress and tipping her 34 percent at Outback Steakhouse in 2012? Her name was Debbie.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 20, 2017

My husband is helping me relax by taking the kids to school this morning. We went over the drop off procedure 37 times and he just left without one of the kids.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 24, 2019

Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 7, 2018

My husband just told me he wants a divorce.

Actually his exact words were “I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year,” but tomato, to-mah-to

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 24, 2020

My husband chose this weekend to attempt to build a stone patio for his grill. Anyhoooo I’m just watching him destroy our backyard two days before an outdoor party we are throwing. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Perfectly. Fine.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 7, 2022

My husband said the new throw pillows I bought really tie the whole room together, so if you’re wondering how many years of marriage it takes to wear down a husband, it’s 14.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2021