20 Hilariously Relatable Tweets About Married Life

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 6, 2020

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making breakfast for the family. He’s asked me 12 different times what we all want to eat, set off the smoke alarm twice and is now yelling for everyone to eat cereal

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 1, 2022

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013

Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 24, 2021

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) June 25, 2023

I tested the strength of my husband by having him rearrange the living room furniture. I tested the strength of our marriage by having him move the furniture back to where it originally was.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) June 3, 2015

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 8, 2024

my dad rates the complexity of a shopping list by how many phone calls home he thinks it will take. parents are hosting a dinner party tonight and he looks at the list my mom gave him and says “woah this is a 5-caller for sure”

— Sara Daunt (@sara_daunt) June 2, 2018

Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!

Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders

Wife: Wait

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) November 20, 2018

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 21, 2022

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015

My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS

— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 31, 2021

Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020

Hubs, “I can’t remember if I locked the door.”

Me, “But do you remember flirting with that waitress and tipping her 34 percent at Outback Steakhouse in 2012? Her name was Debbie.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 20, 2017

I had no plans today. My wife found out and boy did I have a lot of plans today I didn't know about.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 3, 2023

(100 miles from exit)

Wife: You need to get in the right lane.

— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018

My husband just told me he wants a divorce.

Actually his exact words were “I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year,” but tomato, to-mah-to

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 24, 2020

Prayers for my husband who very tragically got me nothing for our anniversary when I specifically told him I wanted nothing for our anniversary.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 28, 2020

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) June 16, 2023