20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

I am selling stuff on Facebook before we move.

My husband asked me to post his ladder.

I said “no one wants your ladder”

“I have big items like benches and couches and tables.”

I post the ladder and friends IT IS COMPLETE MAYHEM

Every man within 50 miles WANTS THIS LADDER!

— Heather Thompson Day (@HeatherTDay) July 11, 2024

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) July 7, 2024

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

— Terri Paella Piñata (@terrip38) July 9, 2024

No one prepared me for the absurd amount of times I would check the weather forecast on a daily basis in my 40s.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) July 11, 2024

“I love summer so much,” I say as I peel my breasts from my chest and shove a layer of t-shirt between the two in order to soak up the sweat that’s pooled there already at 7am

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) July 9, 2024

Body type: certainly not one to turn down cake

— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) July 8, 2024

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 11, 2024

At the grocery store when I gave my ID, the lady glanced at it and pressed the “I acknowledge over 50” button instead of typing in my birth date.

I’m 44, and this is my villain origin story.

— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) July 8, 2024

“You made your bed, now lie in it.”

First of all, I definitely didn’t make my bed

— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) July 13, 2024

A fun part of being Gen X is rewatching all the movies we loved as kids and then realizing 85 percent of them were completely inappropriate for kids.

— Suleikha Snyder (@suleikhasnyder) July 9, 2024

I gotta be honest, this era of it taking years to make a single season of TV is killing me.

— Lauren Pokedoff (@LaurenPokedoff) July 10, 2024

Shoutout to my barista who let me know my sugar free vanilla blonde roast nonfat latte was ready by calling “Skinny Blonde Courtney?”

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) July 13, 2024

I hate when I think it’s a parking spot open but it’s a Kia soul hiding, you could’ve took ts in the store with you !!

— aaliyah 🙂 (@urcapricornboo) July 13, 2024

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 9, 2024

Dentist *while hacking away at my teeth with a sharp metal implement*: make sure to brush with soft bristles so you don’t hurt your teeth

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 12, 2024

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) July 7, 2024

My superpower is forgetting your name before you even finish telling me what it is.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) July 11, 2024

Me: I hate this escape room.
Mom: Stop calling the family reunion that.

— Funny Snarky Humor (@FUNNYsnarkyJOKE) July 10, 2024