20 Funny Tweets Every Middle-Aged Woman Will Relate To

My husband: Eats banana pancakes, walks five blocks, loses five pounds

Me: Eats an egg white omelette, walks five miles, looks at husband’s pancakes, gains five pounds

— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) October 15, 2022

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 6, 2023

Today on Unsolved Middle age Mysteries: Where did this bruise come from?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 30, 2021

Welcome to middle age. You now get stuck in clothes. Godspeed removing that top without dislocating your shoulder.

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) July 19, 2023

Welcome to your 40s. A new cordless vacuum will excite you now.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 22, 2018

My personal style can best be described as “this used to fit.”

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) December 14, 2022

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 20, 2022

My 8yo had the audacity to ask me why I cross my legs when I sneeze.

You, dude. You are the reason.

— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) September 11, 2022

Nothing in life prepares you for getting out of a beanbag chair in your 50s.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 28, 2020

Someone asked me what I did this weekend like I’m some sort of mountain climber.

I’m 50 years old Conner, I was on a heating pad eating nachos.

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 8, 2022

Welcome to middle age. Clean sheet night excites you now.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 2, 2020

I ordered a cheeseburger at this burger restaurant and while waiting I saw all these gorgeous, young, much-thinner-than-me women eating salad.

At my middle age, I can say unapologetically that I really enjoyed that cheeseburger.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 21, 2018

We need a Disney Princess who’s going through menopause.

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 25, 2021

If I complain about being out of shape I don’t actually want fitness tips and workouts to try. I just want to complain and remain out of shape. What is wrong with you people.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 6, 2021

Welcome to middle age, you’ll now watch a pigeon chasing a squirrel chasing another squirrel and tell your husband about it later

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 19, 2021

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 9, 2022

Welcome to middle age. You can’t remember if you took your pills 10 minutes after you take your pills.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 23, 2021

I'm "I get excited when leftovers fit perfectly in the Tupperware container I picked out" years old.

— Mama Babbles… (@mama_babble) June 16, 2017

You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking “I might as well pee while I’m here”

— Christina Novelli (@MissCNovelli) January 20, 2018

Welcome to your 40s – you now think every car has its brights on.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 14, 2019