20 Funny and Relatable Tweets About Married Life

My wife deleted social media off her phone recently. Today I caught her scrolling through her venmo feed like an alcoholic drinking listerine.

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 15, 2024

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today.

— ✨Nikki is on Bluesky✨ (@IAmNikkiSavoy) June 19, 2024

The walk of shame, but it's my husband finally bringing all the dirty dishes and cups that have accumulated on his desk the past few days into the kitchen.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) June 5, 2024

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) June 2, 2024

My wife is out of town, so I just needed to tell someone that I emptied the dishwasher

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) June 19, 2024

My wife angrily hung up on me because I didn't know the inflation PSI of her car's tires off the top of my head, in case any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 21, 2024

Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Wife: Let’s just sit out on the deck and drink.
Me:
Wife:
Me: Is it…is it my birthday, too?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 15, 2024

I always judged elderly couples who can't function apart, but occasionally my husband sleeps in, and since he makes the coffee, I just don't have coffee those days. I want coffee but alas. Unsolvable problem

— sarah (@sarahradz_) June 17, 2024

My husband HATES mayonnaise. So whenever I don’t want to share what I’m eating, I tell him there’s mayonnaise in it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t, but who knows 🤷‍♀️

— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) June 20, 2024

Marriage involves a lot more shouting “I’M IN THE BATHROOM” than I originally thought.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 19, 2022

Walked in the living room to see my wife had the couch apart and mopping the windowsills so if anyone needs me I’ll be out in the barn avoiding that storm.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) June 7, 2024

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 24, 2024

Husband: Where should I park?

Me: I don’t care. Just pick a spot.

Also me: Why did you choose that spot?

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 7, 2024

There are 2 kinds of people, ones that assumes the worst traffic in driving history and leave 2 hours early and ones that think they can defy physics and leave just before they need to be there. They marry each other as penance for transgressions in a previous life

— 🌜🤷‍♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 25, 2024

Big news! After 10 years of marriage my wife is letting me hang ornaments on the tree. It’s the back of the tree, but still.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 22, 2023

Unloaded the dishwasher today and just wanted to mention it on here as well in case my wife didn’t hear me talk about it all day.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 5, 2024

Get married so you can yell something to your spouse, and they can yell “What?” ten times from another room instead of walking 25 feet.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 3, 2024

Before marrying there should be a compatibility test with questions such as: “Do you believe that little pocket in the car door is for garbage yes or no?”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 2, 2024

Yesterday my husband sat in the kitchen working on his laptop as I made a pasta salad. Then he rode in the car to my parents' house with me and the pasta salad. Then he walked into the house with me and the pasta salad. When it came time to eat, he asked who made the pasta salad.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 18, 2024

This lady just picked her husband up from the airport, kissed him and immediately went to the passenger seat lmao

— 808s & Backaches (@Craig__b) June 24, 2024