Here’s a little collection of some funny and relatable quips about marriage.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today.
— ✨Nikki is on Threads and Bluesky✨ (@IAmNikkiSavoy) June 19, 2024
#2
My wife deleted social media off her phone recently. Today I caught her scrolling through her venmo feed like an alcoholic drinking listerine.
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 15, 2024
#3
The walk of shame, but it's my husband finally bringing all the dirty dishes and cups that have accumulated on his desk the past few days into the kitchen.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) June 5, 2024
#4
My wife is out of town, so I just needed to tell someone that I emptied the dishwasher
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) June 19, 2024
#5
*me almost finished with a chore*
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) June 2, 2024
Husband: Here, let me do that.
#6
My wife angrily hung up on me because I didn't know the inflation PSI of her car's tires off the top of my head, in case any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 21, 2024
#7
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 15, 2024
Wife: Let’s just sit out on the deck and drink.
Me:
Wife:
Me: Is it…is it my birthday, too?
#8
I always judged elderly couples who can't function apart, but occasionally my husband sleeps in, and since he makes the coffee, I just don't have coffee those days. I want coffee but alas. Unsolvable problem
— sarah (@sarahradz_) June 17, 2024
#9
My husband HATES mayonnaise. So whenever I don’t want to share what I’m eating, I tell him there’s mayonnaise in it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t, but who knows 🤷♀️
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) June 20, 2024
#10
This older man came thru work today and ordered his wife a latte.. I asked him hot or iced, and he paused.. “give me both and I’ll drink the one she doesn’t want…”
— Jen (@brokemycoccyx) September 2, 2024
And that’s on 43 years of marriage.
Well played, Sir.
#11
Walked in the living room to see my wife had the couch apart and mopping the windowsills so if anyone needs me I’ll be out in the barn avoiding that storm.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) June 7, 2024
#12
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 24, 2024
#13
Husband: Where should I park?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 7, 2024
Me: I don’t care. Just pick a spot.
Also me: Why did you choose that spot?
#14
There are 2 kinds of people, ones that assumes the worst traffic in driving history and leave 2 hours early and ones that think they can defy physics and leave just before they need to be there. They marry each other as penance for transgressions in a previous life
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 25, 2024
#15
My husband thinks all the silverware should go in one big pile together instead of being separated by size and category. I really wish I had known this before we got married.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 12, 2024
#16
Unloaded the dishwasher today and just wanted to mention it on here as well in case my wife didn’t hear me talk about it all day.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 5, 2024
#17
Get married so you can yell something to your spouse, and they can yell “What?” ten times from another room instead of walking 25 feet.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 3, 2024
#18
Before marrying there should be a compatibility test with questions such as: “Do you believe that little pocket in the car door is for garbage yes or no?”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 2, 2024
#19
Yesterday my husband sat in the kitchen working on his laptop as I made a pasta salad. Then he rode in the car to my parents' house with me and the pasta salad. Then he walked into the house with me and the pasta salad. When it came time to eat, he asked who made the pasta salad.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 18, 2024
#20
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 23, 2024
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
