20 Funny Marriage Tweets Every Couple Can Relate To

The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 13, 2022

*watching husband sleep*

Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"

*husband snores*

Me: "I can't live like this."

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016

For every year of marriage, your wife will put on her pajama pants 20 minutes earlier.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2018

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 17, 2017

Me: I've been running 3 miles a day and eating clean. I'm down 0.25 lbs

Husband: I got up to change the channel yesterday and lost 32 lbs

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 26, 2017

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018

My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2022

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 15, 2022

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 29, 2022

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) August 3, 2022

My husband could never cheat on me because he would literally need me to make that plan for him.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 24, 2021

If your wife tells you to do whatever you want, the last thing you should do (and I can’t stress this enough) is whatever you want.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2020

I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 12, 2021

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) June 3, 2015

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 6, 2020

DATING: can’t wait to see you again

MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020