Just a round-up of some of the funniest, most relatable tweets about married life.
Hope these bring you some laughs!
Janene
#1
The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 13, 2022
#2
*watching husband sleep*
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
#3
For every year of marriage, your wife will put on her pajama pants 20 minutes earlier.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2018
#4
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022
#5
How people walk when they’re:
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 17, 2017
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
#6
Me: I've been running 3 miles a day and eating clean. I'm down 0.25 lbs
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 26, 2017
Husband: I got up to change the channel yesterday and lost 32 lbs
#7
It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 2, 2024
#8
Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019
#9
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
#10
My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2022
#11
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 8, 2024
#12
How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 29, 2022
#13
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
— floorboard (@StruggleDisplay) August 3, 2022
#14
My husband could never cheat on me because he would literally need me to make that plan for him.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 24, 2021
#15
If your wife tells you to do whatever you want, the last thing you should do (and I can’t stress this enough) is whatever you want.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2020
#16
I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 12, 2021
#17
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013
#18
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) June 3, 2015
#19
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 6, 2020
#20
My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 9, 2024
#21
DATING: can’t wait to see you again
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
