20 Hilariously Relatable Marriage Tweets That Will Make You Glad You’re Not Alone

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 13, 2020

“everything is dishwasher safe if you don’t care enough about it” – my husband 😂

— sophia sopaipilla (@phiamenina) July 4, 2022

For every year of marriage, your wife will put on her pajama pants 20 minutes earlier.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2018

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 17, 2017

Me: I've been running 3 miles a day and eating clean. I'm down 0.25 lbs

Husband: I got up to change the channel yesterday and lost 32 lbs

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 26, 2017

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 1, 2020

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 15, 2022

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 29, 2022

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) August 3, 2022

My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I’m not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 18, 2022

If your wife tells you to do whatever you want, the last thing you should do (and I can’t stress this enough) is whatever you want.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2020

I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 12, 2021

Every marriage has one person who reports whenever a celebrity dies and one person who says “oh.”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 12, 2022

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 17, 2018

Marriage pro tip: When your wife comes home from the store and shows you what she bought, you better make sounds like you're watching fireworks.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2017

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 1, 2018