Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
I told the kids about the school auctioning off the chance to pull the fire alarm (now up to $500). 13yo responds with, "I can save you five hundred bucks if you don't care if I get suspended."
— The Annasthesiologist (@fuzzymittens) April 26, 2023
#2
Me: Did you miss me while you were at Grandma’s house?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2018
6-year-old: She let us make cookies.
Me: I missed you.
6: We ate them for breakfast.
So that’s a no.
#3
Still laughing about the time I was less than 2 days postpartum and I tweeted that my 36 hour old daughter and I were watching Bones in the hospital and someone tried to lecture me that children under 2 should have zero screen time.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) February 23, 2023
#4
i love getting to the end of IKEA instructions when it’s like “ok now attach it to the wall so it won’t fall and kill anybody” and then i safely toss the instructions in the trash
— octave (@curtofranklin) May 12, 2024
#5
When I was a kid I couldn’t wait to be the one in charge of dinner every night. Idiot.
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 2, 2023
#6
Gen X only wants one thing, and it’s 13 CDs for the price of 1.
— Adam (@YSylon) January 28, 2024
#7
Adult friendship is saying “let me call you back” hanging up and calling back 3-4 days later and no one takes it personal.
— Brooklyn Rivers (@brooklynjrivers) January 10, 2018
#8
No one’s ever more confident than my teen daughter telling me how to do something she’s never done
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 6, 2023
#9
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 28, 2023
#10
Running out of the middle of a work meeting because you thought you heard an ice cream truck is not acceptable. I know that now.
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) May 8, 2024
#11
My mom gave my kid $2 and he immediately taped the bills to the wall like some kind of small business owner
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 27, 2023
#12
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
— That 1 Foo 🎨 🇲🇽 (@xigotsoul) May 9, 2024
#13
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) November 23, 2020
#14
It’s all “ok boomer” until you need someone who can drive stick shift.
— regular david (@OrdinaryAlso) November 18, 2019
#15
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) September 16, 2022
#16
"When I was at your age, I survived a pandemic and didn't leave my house for 2 years. You'll be ok if you don't go out tonight"
— Bab'Zulu🎺 (@Just_Zulu) May 10, 2024
🤣 We finally have a line to use for future kids
#17
a year ago i was dumped & facetimed my friend walking my dog and fell. she was concerned but not concerned enough to refrain from taking a screenshot and that is true friendship pic.twitter.com/nPtvfAMEXR
— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) March 7, 2023
#18
7:30am: egg white omelette with mushrooms
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) May 10, 2024
10am: apple
12pm: cut up fruit with yogurt
3pm: banana
6pm: grilled chicken with salad (light dressing)
8pm: frozen yogurt
830pm: 2 cookies
845pm: 4 cookies
850pm: 8 cookies
9pm: bag of Doritos
930pm: Big Mac and fries
#19
If you are under a certain age, let me assure you this apple pie was served at the surface temperature of the planet Mercury. pic.twitter.com/oG7rv7ATNA
— Super 70s Sports (@Super70sSports) May 10, 2024
#20
Man who kept his boat besides his house was ordered from the city to put up a fence to hide the boat from view. So he built the fence and hired someone to paint it. pic.twitter.com/wrkQh6RjXn
— Doug Aoki (@Nantanreikan) May 9, 2024