Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
Took my 4-year-old to the grocery store and she snuck her teddy bear on the checkout belt and when the cashier “scanned” it she checked the price that popped up on the register and in perfect deadpan said “this bear is priceless”
— todd dillard (@toddedillard) November 1, 2019
#2
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 18, 2018
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
#4
If dogs had the ability to phone us after we leave we would have 700 missed calls in the first hour.
— Bunsen, BEAKER, and Bernoulli🇨🇦 (@bunsenbernerbmd) May 5, 2024
Cats would have their notifications silenced.
#5
Tried to complain to my mom about the difficulties of raising a stubborn child and her eyes rolled so far back in her head I don’t think they’re ever coming back
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 24, 2022
#6
Procedure for greeting guests:
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) December 24, 2018
1. Shout “THEY’RE HERE!”
2. Scurry around the house frantically for a bit for no real reason
3. Skulk and spy from window
4. Await doorbell
5. Pause for a few seconds, open door, start joyfully shouting as if it’s all a massive delightful surprise
#7
A couple sat in the booth behind me and one of them said, “you want to go ahead and talk about it now and get it over with?” I haven’t been this excited in a long time.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 16, 2022
#8
Marriage is sending your husband to the grocery store with a list, and then spending the whole time by your phone answering questions.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) October 15, 2022
#9
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) February 26, 2024
#10
The relief when nobody answers after three rings and you can hang up and legitimately say you tried
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) August 22, 2023
#11
Imagine you own a restaurant. A customer orders a meal and tells you it’s disgusting. They say this is the worst restaurant they’ve ever been to and you’re the worst chef in the world. This is what it’s like cooking for kids.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 26, 2022
#12
Been listening to my wife talk about her work drama and I’m trying to think of the best way to let her know I love her but I think I’m on Denise’s side on this one.
— The Dad (@thedad) October 18, 2022
#13
I hate it when Americans include the year and model of a car in a story and you have to guess from context if it's a really good car or a really bad car.
— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) November 24, 2022
"My husband showed up to our first date in a 1983 Chevrolet Anaconda."
"Haha, what a total loser or millionaire."
#14
every pet owner has a foundational nickname from which 58 other names ripple outwards. the sourdough starter name
— slim riggins (@rigginsslim) May 21, 2024
#15
A dating app but it's just one picture of someone's bookshelves, one of their usual grocery haul, one of their pets, and one their thermostat
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) July 11, 2024
#16
We have now been a cereal in clear containers family for over a month and it really does feel nice to be better than everyone.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 29, 2022
#17
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 24, 2024
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'
#18
From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™, Introducing:
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) February 24, 2018
-It Might Be Bread
-Let's Just Say It's Cream Cheese
-It Almost Tastes Like Jam
-Sure, it's "Maple Syrup"
-Smells A Bit Like Eggs
#19
The hardest part of dating is having to tell your story all over again to a new person like you got accidentally hung up on by Tech Support
— Daley Haggar (@d_haggar) July 25, 2023
#20
my daughter made her own jeopardy game but could only think of one topic 😂 pic.twitter.com/KoTOsstqWa
— todd dillard (@toddedillard) August 30, 2024
