20 Funny Tweets to Brighten Up Your Weekend

My ancestors navigated the ocean using the stars and I'm over here missing exits with a GPS

— ☆ﾟLisa♡･⁠｡✿ (@brummett_marie) August 20, 2022

To everyone whose name I’ve forgotten shortly after meeting them: I get my own kids’ names wrong half the time. You never had a chance.

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 3, 2019

Last month I did the unthinkable and finally threw out that box of unloved cables that I've dragged with me through adulthood.

Today I realised that I needed one of them and have no idea how to find a replacement.

CONSIDER THIS A WARNING TO YOU ALL

— Lemuel Lyes (@LemuelLyes) March 28, 2022

Before you marry someone:

1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal.
2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on.
3. Watch them brush their teeth.
4. Make sure you are temperature compatible.
5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 28, 2019

Me: *hydroplaning through four lanes of traffic in my minivan*
My kids: MOM ARE YOU LISTENING I SAID KNOCK KNOCK

— Lindsay Hunter (@lindsaydevon) October 21, 2022

Everyone is brave in their own way. I, for one, am not afraid of raw cookie dough. 🤷🏻‍♀️

— M’Lady Lauren 👑 (@MLady_Lauren) December 13, 2022

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

— Mbappe Stan (@naledimashishi) February 17, 2022

Things I’m no longer interested in:

1. Driving at night
2. Leaving my house at night
3. Driving in the Winter
4. Leaving the house in Winter
5. Driving
6. Leaving the house

— Paul Bradford (@GhostGuyPaul) January 27, 2022

i hate when a movie can’t decide how loud it wants to be

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) November 2, 2022

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

— Big Papi (@Bmangall20) December 13, 2017

why do dryers have a 'less dry option?' which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

— Llama in a Tux (@LlamaInaTux) October 18, 2021

The anxious urge to say "no worries either way" when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) January 20, 2022

It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

— Aimee (@ACall55) May 5, 2018

i be like “long story short” then tell it with behind the scenes bonus features

— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) November 11, 2022

How dare you drive the speed limit when I’m late to something due to my own poor time management skills

— Lil Squirt (@avaevanss) May 16, 2018

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

— Emily Adrian (@adremily) September 27, 2021

A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get take out, no matter if you’re gone all day, you will be cleaning. the. kitchen.

— tiffany hunter (@lifeattiffanys) June 28, 2020

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) June 20, 2022

“Iced coffee and a vacation won’t solve all your problems”. Ok, I would like to find out for myself personally

— JavaSok (Sale Happening NOW) (@javasok) August 18, 2022

People are filming movies on their iPhones and I’m just over here trying to not accidentally turn on the flashlight every time I pick it up

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 12, 2022