20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like "Wow I'm so glad it well went!" and he was like "oh no, it went terribly." 😂

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 21, 2023

This morning my son said his ear hurt. I asked, “On the inside or outside?” So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says, “Both.”
Moments like this have me wondering if I’m saving too much for college…

— Just Me…Dee🐟 #FBPE #FBPR #GobshiteClub (@deelomas) January 2, 2023

After folding all of the clothes I can only assume that I have 7 children and two husbands that I was not previously aware of.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 13, 2020

"This vehicle will seat six people without any problems."

"I don't think I know six people without any problems."

— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) March 30, 2024

No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 4yo: When I was in your tummy it was super gross in there

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 25, 2021

Regularly haunted by my own hubris – tried to set my bf up on a playdate with my coworkers husband because they both “really like bikes.” Anyways, it turns out her husband was in the Tour De France

— C. E. Aubin (@ceaubin) October 25, 2023

My 7yo has captured Monday energy perfectly.
Today she woke up and said “mommy do you ever wake up and want to say bad words”

All the time baby girl. All. The. Time.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 16, 2023

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 3, 2023

Love driving home from TJ Maxx, my car full of $76 worth of absolutely nothing, wolfing down my disgusting little snack mix from a made up company called like “PopFactory Krinkle Snacks Inc” that I found in the same aisle as dog toys

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 4, 2023

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 13, 2023

“Ohhh. Because it’s our dog’s birthday.”

-my 5 yo son after noticing I was wearing a blouse rather than a t-shirt today

— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) September 21, 2023

Nothing makes me end a phone call more quickly than hearing an echo of my own voice.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) July 19, 2024

House Hunters: she’s a stay at home mom and he folds pieces of paper in half for charity, their budget is 4.7 million dollars.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) July 20, 2024

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 11, 2023

Did I wash my clothes? Yes. Was it 3 days ago and they're still in the dryer? Also yes.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 3, 2023

Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will hate them with me.

— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) March 5, 2014

I’m at the produce market and the smallest italian greyhound I have ever seen just snatched the remaining third of my croissant and the owner hissed AUDREY and they both ran away

— bovine chiropractor (@marrowing) June 3, 2023

Kings pic.twitter.com/YDpsSyxT6u

— Rothmus 🏴 (@Rothmus) July 18, 2024

I'm so tempted to remove the socks and hang the cardboard up on its own. pic.twitter.com/leck8rHe6b

— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) July 17, 2024