20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

What do I "do for fun"? I'm an adult. It's a good day if nothing expensive breaks, I don't find a new bruise, and my favorite detergent goes on sale.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 23, 2023

Congratulations to me for reaching new culinary heights last night by setting off my neighbor’s smoke alarm. 🚨

— 𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖_𝔻𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕖 (@SundaeDivine) October 22, 2023

Willie Nelson, age 90, played guitar and sang to me and a sold out arena last night. I knelt down to tie my shoe in the merch line and needed help getting back up.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) October 22, 2023

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 26, 2023

i think it’s funny when some men think women’s greatest fear is getting older while surrounded by friends and cats.

— emily (@emilykmay) October 26, 2023

but this is my emotional support One Good Photo of Me

— trash jones (@jzux) October 22, 2023

One day you’re young and cool, the next you’re excitedly texting friends pics of your new overnight oats container

— Heatherhere 🥝🍈🥝 (@Heatinblack) October 23, 2023

to do lists are so fun. it’s just “drink water” and “read” followed by a list of everything i’ve ever wanted to achieve since i was 7

— chase (@_chase_____) October 29, 2023

[Washing machine timer – 5 minutes left]

• Listens to Bohemian Rhapsody 6 times.

•Watches 17 episodes of a TV show.

•Goes on holiday for a week.

[Washing machine timer – 4 minutes left]

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 27, 2023

I don’t know what my problem is, but I’m beginning to suspect that buying more organizing containers won’t solve it.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 21, 2023

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) October 23, 2023

Sometimes I restart the dryer just so I don’t have to fold the clothes.

— Kristen (@Kica333) October 22, 2023

Regularly haunted by my own hubris – tried to set my bf up on a playdate with my coworkers husband because they both “really like bikes.” Anyways, it turns out her husband was in the Tour De France

— C. E. Aubin (@ceaubin) October 25, 2023

You ever be cleaning your house and then the motivation wears out so then you’re just sitting there looking dumb, watching tv while surrounded by all the stuff you pulled out to organize and cleaning supplies?

Or is that just a me problem? 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

— Irreverent Reverend ✊🏼🙏🏼 (@TheAmberPicota) October 24, 2023

I don’t want to move to another social media platform when I leave twitter. I want to throw my phone into the sea and live in a lighthouse and read books and play music and eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner.

— Dinah (@dinahaddie) October 27, 2023

Me (reading question out loud): "Ramon wrote his name eight times. Which number is less than eight: ten, eight, or seven?"

Kindergartener: I've got a better question. What is Ramon even doing with his life?

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) October 26, 2023

my house is never cleaner than when I have a simple task that I really don’t want to do

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) October 22, 2023

If you grew up with a legitimate fear of quicksand lingering in the back of your mind at all times, you are most likely Gen X.

— Natalie Grace (@natgrace79) October 28, 2023

Hi. I’m 45 and just got super excited about a new set of measuring spoons.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) October 29, 2023

“what do you want to be for Halloween” in bed by 10

— trash jones (@jzux) October 28, 2023