Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest quips I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
My 6 year old told me, ‘Wow, you are eating ice cream and not getting messy at all! You should be an ice cream eater!” and now I’m thinking of making a career change.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) July 19, 2021
#2
I’m on a flight in US and an old lady has caused confusion, hilarity and then amazement as the crew expected her to be an infant. She is actually 101 and the computer can’t handle an age that high so just put her down as a 1 year old on the manifest. She laughed it off. Legend.
— Joe Tidy BBC News (@joetidy) April 24, 2024
#3
getting older is so fun. ur life goals slowly transition from things like “land dream job” to “successfully grow a cherry tomato”
— chase (@_chase_____) December 21, 2024
#4
My 6 year old was quietly eating his cereal when he paused and said to no one, ‘I hope my sister isn’t a criminal when she grows up,’ and I feel like he summed up my parenting goals nicely.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) January 13, 2022
#5
Just killed a wasp all by myself so if you need me I’ll be busy growing chest hair and cleaning out the garage.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) June 6, 2024
#6
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
— eLeni (@eleniZarro) August 10, 2024
#7
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, "I'm NOT going all the way to the ocean right now."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 15, 2022
#8
me: i have half an hour to do a 5 min task
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) April 8, 2022
brain: better push it to next week
me: way ahead of you
#9
I know you're not supposed to play favorites, but everyone has that one stovetop burner that they love more
— Matty (@bestestname) April 25, 2024
#10
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
— The Dad (@thedad) October 14, 2019
#11
The Dentist said I need a crown. I was like, “I know, right?”
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) December 12, 2024
#12
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
— the luckiest penny. (@aSouthernPenny) February 20, 2021
#13
Sometimes I sit back wonder what happened to folks who have asked me for directions.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) April 24, 2024
#14
I’m convinced that if I ever actually caught up on all my laundry my clothes wouldn’t fit in my closet
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 7, 2024
#15
The best thing about 3-year-old's is the way they do what they can with the words that they know. My daughter doesn't know the word "cough drop" so she is requesting medicine beans.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 17, 2022
#16
My wife can't remember her password she created yesterday but remembers what I said on June 12, 2015 at 1:47PM.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 21, 2024
#17
I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 27, 2021
#18
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 23, 2018
#19
My son just turned 3 so we went to his yearly check up and the Doctor asked him what his favorite fruit was and he looked that man dead in his eyes and said cheese.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) December 14, 2022
#20 Too cute!
I'm in a group chat with a mail carrier and he shared this letter pic.twitter.com/0UgCUV0BcO
— chip malfunction (@online_shawn) April 23, 2024
