Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
My 6 year old told me, ‘Wow, you are eating ice cream and not getting messy at all! You should be an ice cream eater!” and now I’m thinking of making a career change.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) July 19, 2021
#2
I haven’t licked an envelope in over two decades without thinking of George Costanza.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) October 2, 2022
#3
I’m on a flight in US and an old lady has caused confusion, hilarity and then amazement as the crew expected her to be an infant. She is actually 101 and the computer can’t handle an age that high so just put her down as a 1 year old on the manifest. She laughed it off. Legend.
— Joe Tidy (@joetidy) April 24, 2024
#4
I know you're not supposed to play favorites, but everyone has that one stovetop burner that they love more
— Matty (@bestestname) April 25, 2024
#5
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, "I'm NOT going all the way to the ocean right now."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 15, 2022
#6
I love having a nap on the couch in the evening before moving to bed to sleep. It's like a sleep appetiser, a nappetiser.
— Granite Man 🏴 (@GraniteDhuine) April 25, 2024
#7
My first kid wasn’t allowed to eat in the car until she was five years old but children #3 and #4 have been raised on floor fries and they seem mostly just fine.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) May 2, 2021
#8
me: i have half an hour to do a 5 min task
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) April 8, 2022
brain: better push it to next week
me: way ahead of you
#9
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
— The Dad (@thedad) October 14, 2019
#10
My 6 year old was quietly eating his cereal when he paused and said to no one, ‘I hope my sister isn’t a criminal when she grows up,’ and I feel like he summed up my parenting goals nicely.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) January 13, 2022
#11
Welcome to adulthood: you’ll be trying to lose 10lbs for the rest of your life.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) April 25, 2024
#12
Don't like that ciabatta bread was invented in 1982. that's too late for them to be inventing new types of bread.
— DΔΠTE (@steelydante) April 23, 2024
#13
Sometimes I sit back wonder what happened to folks who have asked me for directions.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) April 24, 2024
#14
Just read an article I’ve had open in my tabs for four months. Anything is possible!!! Keep going! You can do it!!!!
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) April 24, 2024
#15
I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 27, 2021
#16
The best thing about 3-year-old's is the way they do what they can with the words that they know. My daughter doesn't know the word "cough drop" so she is requesting medicine beans.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 17, 2022
#17
My wife can't remember her password she created yesterday but remembers what I said on June 12, 2015 at 1:47PM.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 21, 2024
#18
On the 1st day of school, my 6-year-old told me about his art teacher, Mr. McClay. This week, I found out his name is actually Mr. Mitchell.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 31, 2022
Turns out my kid has been calling him McClay because he thinks that's a better name for an art teacher.
#19
My son just turned 3 so we went to his yearly check up and the Doctor asked him what his favorite fruit was and he looked that man dead in his eyes and said cheese.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) December 14, 2022
#20
I'm in a group chat with a mail carrier and he shared this letter pic.twitter.com/0UgCUV0BcO
— minor smith (@online_shawn) April 23, 2024