25 of the Funniest Tweets About Life With Kids

I don't know who needs to hear this, but if your 4yo goes walking by the room lugging a step stool nothing good is about to happen.

— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) April 5, 2022

Spent ten minutes scrubbing the wall thinking my kids left a huge stain on it and then realized it was my own shadow. I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 9, 2022

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) January 25, 2022

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 12, 2022

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

— LL Cool Tweet (@LLcoooltweet) June 7, 2022

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 11, 2022

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

— Elisa Stone Leahy TETHERED TO OTHER STARS (@ElisaStoneLeahy) April 13, 2022

My kid just introduced me to a new friend who is at our house as “this is my mom… she never sits down. It’s super weird”

— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) October 3, 2022

My 5-year-old was pretending to do her Wordle with me. As she pushed buttons on her cardboard phone, "yes! I got it!" I asked how she got it so quick. Her, "I have a pretend phone I can do whatever I want." That's fair.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 14, 2022

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 8, 2023

I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2022

We were eating dinner and it was really quiet because we were enjoying our food. My 5-year-old out of nowhere, "so I didn't get that promotion." Her comedic timing was perfect. I can't stop laughing. I'm so proud.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 9, 2022

my superpower is ruining my kids life by telling them to empty the dishwasher in between their schedule of doing nothing and nothing.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 16, 2022

if you still think there’s such a thing as perfect parenting just know that I’m a pediatrician and parenting author and my toddler is eating strawberries dipped in ketchup for dinner tonight

— Rebekah Diamond MD (@rebekah_diamond) February 18, 2021

McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 7, 2022

Picked up my sons from school and stopped to get gas, invited them to get out of the car and learn how to do it. Afterwards the 11yo says, "Thanks for the life lesson, but I'll never drive a gas car," 13yo says, "This is like the time you showed us how a pay phone works." 😂

— Alana DiMario (@AlanaDimario) June 20, 2022

My 7yo just got mad at his brother and called him ugly, and his brother got really upset about it and started crying.

They’re identical twins.
Identical. Twins.

— Stacey (@nofilterblonde) January 29, 2023

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

— kidversations (@kidversations_) September 20, 2022

My wife and I were three drinks into date night when our 11-year-old came to us for help with her geometry homework, and let me tell you, we're all living dangerously tonight.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2022

My kids had money to spend at the store. My daughter bought a toy and my son bought….a rotisserie chicken.

— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) August 7, 2022

(my 5-year-old daughter does a cartwheel)
Me: That was great! Do you want to try gymnastics classes? Or dance? You get to wear fun costumes and do shows.
Her: No. I want to be a normal person and do nothing.

— Marla Cáceres (@MarlaCaceres) August 2, 2022

My daughter said she can’t wait to have kids. I asked her why and she said “so they can bring me stuff when it’s in another room.”

— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) March 19, 2022

I’m writing a fantasy fiction novel about a mom that has a cold and her family does things for themselves while she rests.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) November 23, 2022

I like having fellow toddler moms as friends because I’ll text them like “sorry, we are going to be 25 minutes late to the park, we saw an ant.” And they’re like “no problem we’re gonna be 30 bc he had to put on his own shoes.”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2023