25 Hilariously Relatable Tweets About Married Life

My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) January 13, 2023

Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024

My husband could never cheat on me because he would literally need me to make that plan for him.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 24, 2021

my dad rates the complexity of a shopping list by how many phone calls home he thinks it will take. parents are hosting a dinner party tonight and he looks at the list my mom gave him and says “woah this is a 5-caller for sure”

— Sara Connors (@sara_connors) June 2, 2018

My wife can't remember her password she created yesterday but remembers what I said on June 12, 2015 at 1:47PM.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 21, 2024

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

— The Dad (@thedad) October 14, 2019

My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2022

“everything is dishwasher safe if you don’t care enough about it” – my husband 😂

— sophia sopaipilla (@phiamenina) July 4, 2022

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 29, 2022

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 24, 2022

40% of my wife and I's conversations go like this:

me: what?
wife: i was talking to the dog

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 4, 2022

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022

*watching husband sleep*

Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"

*husband snores*

Me: "I can't live like this."

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016

My boyfriend washed dishes and I haven’t said anything about it. He’s said “wow this kitchen looks spotless” twice since 8pm

— mp (@friasmp) November 13, 2022

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 15, 2022

Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed… and clean the whole house while she sleeps.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 3, 2022

My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 11, 2022

The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 13, 2022

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 20, 2022

Marriage is telling your spouse you heard about a cool new restaurant on a Monday only for them to repeat to you on a Friday “there’s this cool new restaurant I just heard about”

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) October 13, 2022

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 28, 2020

We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019

the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 1, 2024

I’ve been on a diet for 4.5 months and have dropped 30 pounds. Slow and steady but it’s working.

Husband, out of nowhere tonight, “Did you do something different with your hair?”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 14, 2022

How loudly do I need to unload the dishwasher before my husband knows I’m mad

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 7, 2022