Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Suggested that my 5yo put jam on his waffle since we ran out of syrup, and judging by the look on his face, I will be hearing from his lawyer

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 12, 2023

I had to cough but my kids were sleeping so I literally just choked on my own saliva because apparently I choose dying over accidentally waking them up.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 8, 2023

Telling my kids about using the TV Guide and watching them react like I’m telling them what it was like to flee my homeland in a cargo container.

— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) July 11, 2023

Just got released early from jury duty while my husband is home with the kids. Do I…
1. pretend they kept me the whole day and have some me time, or
2. pretend they kept me the whole day and have some me time?

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) July 10, 2023

My tween had a red spot on his eye and I told him it’s from rolling his eyes too much and he almost rolled his eyes at that but stopped himself. Did I just win parenting?

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 12, 2023

Dad: "Would you like anything to eat for dinner?"

Son: "What are my choices?"

Dad: “Yes” or “no”.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) July 9, 2023

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 10, 2023

Getting ready for our vacation and my 8yo has only packed beach toys. I asked what the rest of the space in his bag is for and he said airport snacks.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 12, 2023

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) July 13, 2023

Moms don’t go on vacation. We just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 11, 2023

living with a toddlers is like living with a velociraptor: it’s gets more dangerous when they learn how to open doors

— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) July 11, 2023

I went to the beach with my kid yesterday and in forty years I might finally stop finding sand in everything I own

— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) July 13, 2023

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 9, 2023

20's: need to look cool when I go out

30's: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40's: need to be comfortable when I go out

50's: I don't need to go out

— 🌜🤷‍♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) July 14, 2023

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 10, 2023

My daughter gave everyone in her first-grade class an invitation to a pool party this summer. Would have been great if she had asked me about throwing a party first. Would be even greater if we actually had a pool. Gotta respect the power move tho

— The Dad (@thedad) July 14, 2023

The reaction I got from my kids when I told them I was born in 1978 you'd think I'd said BC

— Midge (@mxmclain) July 13, 2023

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) July 14, 2023

Reasons my 3 y/o cried this week:

-The orange ice pop he picked out wasn’t red
-His little brother woke up from a nap
-I turned on an episode of Bluey and not the lava episode of Bluey
-My wife and I hugged in the kitchen

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) July 14, 2023