Out of the Mouths of Babes: 25 Hilarious Quips From Kids

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 12, 2022

Just overheard my eight-year-old son tell the little boy who lives across the street, “You have to go now. I’ve hit my limit for being around other people today.”

— Rebecca Papin (@RebeccaPapin) July 16, 2023

Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 14, 2023

6yo (to her crying brother): "It's okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad."
Me: "Oh darling, that's so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?"
6yo: "I hit him."#mumlife

— Ellie Hawkes (@elspells13) August 23, 2021

5 asked me if I’ve ever been to jail and when I said no, she said “wow, not even for your cooking?”

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 26, 2022

I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.

— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017

5 was in bed for a while then she yelled “mummy come here” and I yelled back “why?” then she yelled “I haven’t thought of a reason yet”

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 3, 2022

We let my 5-year-old try a root beer, and after he took a big gulp, he yelled, “Oh my gosh, I can feel myself turning into a man!”

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 12, 2023

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."

— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2019

My daughter said she can’t wait to have kids. I asked her why and she said “so they can bring me stuff when it’s in another room.”

— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) March 19, 2022

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

— LL Cool Tweet (@LLcoooltweet) June 7, 2022

Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots."

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 18, 2021

5-year-old: Do I have to fall in love someday?

Me: No.

5: Good. I have stuff to do.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2020

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 19, 2021

i asked my four year old why she wouldn’t clean up her play- doh and she said “it doesn’t make my heart happy” like ok marie kondo u win

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 30, 2022

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 2, 2021

My 5-year-old, "how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy." She knows how to work the system.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 9, 2022

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 23, 2016

We just waited an hour to see our pediatrician. As soon as he walked in my toddler took his hand and pointed to his watch and said “This is a clock.” Which was the most passive aggressive thing I have ever witnessed.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 26, 2019

I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".

— Al (@AliceTaylorM) December 12, 2021

Watching a documentary on Ancient Egypt when my 5 y/o stops in front of the TV, drops her jaw and says, “THEY WROTE ON WALLS? You’re not supposed to write on walls!”

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 4, 2022

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2019