Out of the Mouths of Babes: 25 Funny Quips From Kids

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

— 🍁Yukon Cornelius (@GrahamKritzer) October 12, 2022

My son saw me putting on concealer under my eyes and said, “why are you doing that?” I said, “It makes me look a bit younger and more awake.” He said, “But inside you’re old and tired?” And I said yep and he said “tricky!” with admiration

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 22, 2021

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) November 14, 2022

McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 7, 2022

5 asked me if I’ve ever been to jail and when I said no, she said “wow, not even for your cooking?”

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 26, 2022

I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.

— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017

5 was in bed for a while then she yelled “mummy come here” and I yelled back “why?” then she yelled “I haven’t thought of a reason yet”

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 3, 2022

Me sternly “Tell me what you did wrong?!”

Toddler sobbing “I got caught.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 11, 2019

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."

— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2019

My daughter said she can’t wait to have kids. I asked her why and she said “so they can bring me stuff when it’s in another room.”

— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) March 19, 2022

Daughter now refusing fruit for breakfast saying she doesn’t “like sweet things in the bitter morning” so I guess it’s safe to say that 3rd grade is when reality first kicks in.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 26, 2021

Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots."

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 18, 2021

5-year-old: Do I have to fall in love someday?

Me: No.

5: Good. I have stuff to do.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2020

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 19, 2021

i asked my four year old why she wouldn’t clean up her play- doh and she said “it doesn’t make my heart happy” like ok marie kondo u win

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 30, 2022

Me: We all make mistakes.
5: Even you?
Me: Yep
5: Oh yeah! Like when you're trying to cook food that tastes good but then it doesn't?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 15, 2016

My 5-year-old, "how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy." She knows how to work the system.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 9, 2022

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 23, 2016

We just waited an hour to see our pediatrician. As soon as he walked in my toddler took his hand and pointed to his watch and said “This is a clock.” Which was the most passive aggressive thing I have ever witnessed.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 26, 2019

I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".

— Al (@AliceTaylorM) December 12, 2021

Watching a documentary on Ancient Egypt when my 5 y/o stops in front of the TV, drops her jaw and says, “THEY WROTE ON WALLS? You’re not supposed to write on walls!”

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 4, 2022

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2019