Frightfully Funny: The 25 All-Time Best Tweets About Halloween

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2019

I’ve done the math. 87 fun-sized candies equals one regular-sized candy. You can trust me. I’ve taken algebra 3 times.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 12, 2020

my parents are fighting bc my mom was letting a big spider live in the kitchen window bc he’s “perfect for halloween” and my dad killed it

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) October 6, 2021

For the first time in 23 years I’m not doing the trick-or-treating thing. 12 said, “If you just give me $20 we can skip all the theatrics and go to CVS and I can buy the candy I want.”

My work here is done.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 31, 2021

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 30, 2018

Me: What do you say when you hold up your bag?

3-year-old: Treat or treat.

Me: TRICK or treat.

3: I want two treats.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2017

Saved some money this year and bought Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope the kids like Skattles and 4 Musketeers.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 10, 2018

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 3, 2013

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

— Colin Mochrie (@colinmochrie) November 1, 2019

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 3, 2018

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 25, 2017

Wife: *putting on makeup*

4-year-old: Is that your Halloween costume?

Wife: What?

4: You look like an angel.

I need to take notes.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018

I don't have to worry about my kids TP'ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 30, 2022

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 3 AM.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 5, 2022

There's no age limit on trick or treating. You can knock on my door with a martini and a smoldering Pall Mall in your old-looking hands and I'm gonna give you a Snickers. Happy Halloween.

— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) October 25, 2019

Kid: Mom, look at all the candy wrappers in the trash can. Do you think someone broke in and ate the candy you bought for Halloween?

Me: Yes.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 18, 2018

[at Halloween store]

Me: Store security just stopped me.
Wife: WHY?
Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.
Wife: [leaves]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 27, 2022

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn't want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she's not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 5, 2023

just wanted to let everyone here know that a little girl came up to my door dressed as a shark last night & i gave her m&ms & she said “thank you i love you” & her mom said “you’re supposed to say happy halloween” & the girl said “she gave me nemnems. i love her”

— coast 💕 (@CoastThru) November 1, 2019

my daughters version of trick or treating was asking every single person if they had a puppy she could pet and then sitting on each porch for five minutes petting their dogs and honestly it’s a good version

— lovable (@alovablenerd) November 1, 2019

The walk of shame, but it’s just me going back to the store for more candy before we’ve even given any out for Halloween

— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) October 30, 2023

Reminded my daughter to bring her trick or treat bag with her. She said, "I don't need one. I'm just going to eat the candy as they hand it to me." If that's not the Halloween spirit I don't know what is.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 31, 2022

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is. pic.twitter.com/kcMMzsO9cC

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 28, 2022

My mom just won her company’s Halloween costume contest as “Fifty Shades of Gray” 💀💀 pic.twitter.com/FjEbllPwGp

— Corey Jacob (@coreytimes) October 29, 2021