Happy Halloween, everybody! Welcome to my round-up of some of my favorite Halloween tweets.
Hope they bring you some smiles and I hope you get to have some treats today!
Janene
#1
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2019
#2
my parents are fighting bc my mom was letting a big spider live in the kitchen window bc he’s “perfect for halloween” and my dad killed it
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) October 6, 2021
#3
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2024
-Me, working from home. Alone.
#4
For the first time in 23 years I’m not doing the trick-or-treating thing. 12 said, “If you just give me $20 we can skip all the theatrics and go to CVS and I can buy the candy I want.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 31, 2021
My work here is done.
#5
4-year-old: How come we only trick-or-treat on Halloween?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2016
Me: People won't give you candy on other days.
4: Have you tried?
#6
Saved some money this year and bought Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope the kids like Skattles and 4 Musketeers.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 10, 2018
#7
Me: What do you say when you hold up your bag?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2017
3-year-old: Treat or treat.
Me: TRICK or treat.
3: I want two treats.
#8
The walk of shame, but it’s just me going back to the store for more candy before we’ve even given any out for Halloween
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) October 30, 2023
#9
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
— Colin Mochrie (@colinmochrie) November 1, 2019
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
#10
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015
#11
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, "time to make some money!" Apparently he's selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren't allowed to have candy at home.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 3, 2022
#12
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
— sarah (@sarahradz_) October 14, 2024
#13
Wife: *putting on makeup*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018
4-year-old: Is that your Halloween costume?
Wife: What?
4: You look like an angel.
I need to take notes.
#14
I don't have to worry about my kids TP'ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) October 30, 2022
#15
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 3 AM.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 5, 2022
#16
There's no age limit on trick or treating. You can knock on my door with a martini and a smoldering Pall Mall in your old-looking hands and I'm gonna give you a Snickers. Happy Halloween.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) October 25, 2019
#17
Kid: Mom, look at all the candy wrappers in the trash can. Do you think someone broke in and ate the candy you bought for Halloween?
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 18, 2018
Me: Yes.
#18
Not to be a Halloween Scrooge but I don’t like that everyone uses stencils to carve their pumpkins now. Jack-o-lanterns are supposed to be extremely unimpressive. You should have a vision in your head and then not be able to execute it. That’s what Halloween is all about.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 17, 2023
#19
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn't want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she's not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 5, 2023
#20
just wanted to let everyone here know that a little girl came up to my door dressed as a shark last night & i gave her m&ms & she said “thank you i love you” & her mom said “you’re supposed to say happy halloween” & the girl said “she gave me nemnems. i love her”
— coast 💕 (@CoastThru) November 1, 2019
#21
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 1, 2022
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
#22
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so I suggested she just carry around a tape measure and ask, “is this a load bearing wall?”
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2022
#23
Reminded my daughter to bring her trick or treat bag with her. She said, "I don't need one. I'm just going to eat the candy as they hand it to me." If that's not the Halloween spirit I don't know what is.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 31, 2022
#24
My mom just won her company’s Halloween costume contest as “Fifty Shades of Gray” 💀💀 pic.twitter.com/FjEbllPwGp
— Corey Jacob (@coreytimes) October 29, 2021
#25
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw
— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016
