20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

A delivery driver just asked for my date of birth. I said '94. He replied 'Is that 1994?'. Oh sorry mate, no. My bad, that was 1794. Right around the French Revolution.

— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) June 28, 2021

"Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?"

"No sun."

— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) April 6, 2024

I am currently helping my wife look for the Lindt chocolate bunny I ate on Thursday.

— Douglas Cheape (@CheapeDouglas) March 31, 2024

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 3, 2024

Due to my family being tech inept. I am considered the "techy one". To get this title, I have…
1) Turned the router off and on
2) Saved a word document
3) Asked for a password and typed it in
4) Turned the brightness up on a phone
5) Shown them what wordle is

— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) May 10, 2022

When a woman gets a haircut, it’s life affirming, she is glowing with new confidence. When a man gets a haircut, hopefully it will look normal in two weeks or so.

— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) December 10, 2023

someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 13, 2021

I'd be a terrible superhero. I'd be at home and see the signal calling me in the sky and be like "I literally just sat down"

— Jordan Price (@SavageGiggles) December 12, 2014

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.

— yelisa (@beingyelisa) April 17, 2018

“You have to eat so many vegetables or you will die.”

“That’s okay. Everyone likes potatoes.”

“Oh yeah, there is one that doesn’t count and it is potatoes.”

— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) March 31, 2024

"it's just like riding a bicycle"

Oh cool the one vehicle I've crashed the most

— Jason Not Evil (@JasonNotEvil) October 16, 2022

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

— Adam 🎸 (@YSylon) January 18, 2022

When a woman says 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams have all of their timeouts.

— Ernesto (@ErnieP35) May 14, 2019

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they're gonna have to kick me out

— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) March 2, 2024

i'm gonna be real with you. I do not understand ice dispensers in hotels. I have never needed ice in a hotel. Why is it so important for there to be ice in a hotel. Why are ice dispensers mentioned in hotel reviews. What are people doing with ice in a hotel. Am I losing my mind

— GG (@goldisacks) April 6, 2024

If the gas pump says "please go see cashier" I'm leaving

— 𝔍𝔞𝔦𝔯 ♨️ (@jairrfwm) March 23, 2022

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 17, 2023

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, "Uh oh."

— Trey (@treydayway) February 3, 2023

When my kids were little I showed them this and they all started crying. pic.twitter.com/oxXlHkzVsK

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) April 2, 2024