Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
A delivery driver just asked for my date of birth. I said '94. He replied 'Is that 1994?'. Oh sorry mate, no. My bad, that was 1794. Right around the French Revolution.
— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) June 28, 2021
#2
"Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?"
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) April 6, 2024
"No sun."
#3
I am currently helping my wife look for the Lindt chocolate bunny I ate on Thursday.
— Douglas Cheape (@CheapeDouglas) March 31, 2024
#4
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
#5
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 3, 2024
#6
Due to my family being tech inept. I am considered the "techy one". To get this title, I have…
— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) May 10, 2022
1) Turned the router off and on
2) Saved a word document
3) Asked for a password and typed it in
4) Turned the brightness up on a phone
5) Shown them what wordle is
#7
When a woman gets a haircut, it’s life affirming, she is glowing with new confidence. When a man gets a haircut, hopefully it will look normal in two weeks or so.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) December 10, 2023
#8
someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 13, 2021
#9
I'd be a terrible superhero. I'd be at home and see the signal calling me in the sky and be like "I literally just sat down"
— Jordan Price (@SavageGiggles) December 12, 2014
#10
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.
— yelisa (@beingyelisa) April 17, 2018
#11
“You have to eat so many vegetables or you will die.”
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) March 31, 2024
“That’s okay. Everyone likes potatoes.”
“Oh yeah, there is one that doesn’t count and it is potatoes.”
#12
"it's just like riding a bicycle"
— Jason Not Evil (@JasonNotEvil) October 16, 2022
Oh cool the one vehicle I've crashed the most
#13
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
— Adam 🎸 (@YSylon) January 18, 2022
#14
When a woman says 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams have all of their timeouts.
— Ernesto (@ErnieP35) May 14, 2019
#15
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they're gonna have to kick me out
— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) March 2, 2024
#16
i'm gonna be real with you. I do not understand ice dispensers in hotels. I have never needed ice in a hotel. Why is it so important for there to be ice in a hotel. Why are ice dispensers mentioned in hotel reviews. What are people doing with ice in a hotel. Am I losing my mind
— GG (@goldisacks) April 6, 2024
#17
If the gas pump says "please go see cashier" I'm leaving
— 𝔍𝔞𝔦𝔯 ♨️ (@jairrfwm) March 23, 2022
#18
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 17, 2023
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
#19
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, "Uh oh."
— Trey (@treydayway) February 3, 2023
#20 I loved Mr. Rogers, but not gonna lie, Lady Elaine was a little scary!!
When my kids were little I showed them this and they all started crying. pic.twitter.com/oxXlHkzVsK
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) April 2, 2024