Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
— Brad Sea (@BSEAondeck) October 22, 2024
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
#2
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
— Uncle Bob 🍩 (@UncleBob56) May 9, 2017
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can't do that.
#3
my staff bought shake shack today since it’s our last day on this rotation and there were extra burgers so I shoved 3 into my purse for later and now everyone is calling me “purse burgers” and I fear this nickname will follow me
— Kayla (@kaylamellis_) October 10, 2024
#4
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
#5
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 3, 2024
#6
i was born on my due date and i was only 5 pounds. it’s called being considerate & respecting ur mother
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) February 4, 2021
#7
When a woman gets a haircut, it’s life affirming, she is glowing with new confidence. When a man gets a haircut, hopefully it will look normal in two weeks or so.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) December 10, 2023
#8
someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 13, 2021
#9
I'd be a terrible superhero. I'd be at home and see the signal calling me in the sky and be like "I literally just sat down"
— Jordan Price (@SavageGiggles) December 12, 2014
#10
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.
— yelisa (@beingyelisa) April 17, 2018
#11
“You have to eat so many vegetables or you will die.”
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) March 31, 2024
“That’s okay. Everyone likes potatoes.”
“Oh yeah, there is one that doesn’t count and it is potatoes.”
#12
"it's just like riding a bicycle"
— Jason Not Evil (@JasonNotEvil) October 16, 2022
Oh cool the one vehicle I've crashed the most
#13
You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.
— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 20, 2019
#14
When a woman says 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams have all of their timeouts.
— Ernesto (@ErnieP35) May 14, 2019
#15
*4yr old watching beauty and the beast*
— Mandalynns23 (@mandalynns23) October 17, 2024
“Does the princess marry the bison?”
THE BISON 🦬😂
#16
The people at the doctor's office just tried to reassure me that my son isn't the worst kid they've ever seen by telling me a story about the time a kid yanked a banner down from the ceiling. What they didn't realize was it was a story about my kid.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) April 23, 2022
#17
If the gas pump says "please go see cashier" I'm leaving
— 𝔍𝔞𝔦𝔯 🌌 (@jairrfwm) March 23, 2022
#18
I made my kids watch Airplane and they didn’t think it was funny and I just don’t know where to go from here.
— Stacey (@skittle624) October 6, 2024
#19
Why are you, a restaurant website, gatekeeping your online menu by making me choose delivery or pick-up, when I merely need to mentally rehearse my drive-thru order
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 10, 2024
#20
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, "Uh oh."
— Trey (@treydayway) February 3, 2023
#21
Reasons Why Kids Can’t Be Left Alone With Their Dads😂
— Big Kemz (@thisiskemz) October 21, 2024
THREAD: pic.twitter.com/V275Not9da
