Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
my husband, a brilliant man who has 2 masters degrees: i just saw online that we're supposed to descale our coffee machine every 100 brews or something. should we figure our how to descale it or…?
— bonky (@shesbonky) November 7, 2024
me: 😐
him:
me: must be nice having a wife. you're welcome
#2
When older people say, "Enjoy them while they are young."
— mariana Z (@mariana057) February 9, 2023
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
#3
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) November 11, 2024
#4
I decided to sleep in today and skip my morning run. That’s like 30 years in a row now. Weird.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) April 14, 2024
#5
One minute you’re young, the next you’re taking a phone from someone because they want to show you a video but you accidentally close the app down and say, “it’s gone, sorry, how do I get it back?”
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) April 12, 2024
#6
I love my husband for many reasons but high on the list is that we have the same philosophy on how long before a flight one should get to the airport. I cannot imagine the angst of being in that kind of interfaith marriage.
— KSV (@KSVesq) December 10, 2022
#7
Sorry I’m late the grocery store moved the aisles around.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) April 14, 2024
#8
No one will ever know I got this dress at Ross for $7.
— Vickie Roark (@seven4liberty) April 3, 2024
Stranger: I like your dress!
"GIRL, I GOT IT AT ROSS FOR Seven Dollars!!"
#9
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 3, 2022
#10
Last night I hung my coat, which had a chocolate bar in the pocket, on the back of my bedroom door which is opposite my bed and all night I had different versions of the same dream which was me getting up to eat the chocolate bar
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) November 13, 2024
#11
i hate when a recipe is like “add salt to taste.” that’s why i added all the other stuff too
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) April 14, 2024
#12
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) November 14, 2024
#13
I just tripped over my son’s train set and asked him not to leave it in the middle of the floor. He said I should have been paying attention and then immediately turned around and tripped over the train set.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 2, 2024
#14
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 4, 2023
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
#15
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
— sarah (@sarahradz_) August 3, 2023
#16
Overheard a guy ending a conversation: “well, those are all my funny things I had to say.”
— ash (@heythatsmeash) November 7, 2024
#17
Your elementary school wasn't normal unless you had random square dancing lessons during PE class.
— Brock (@Brock_Teee) December 11, 2023
#18
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
— krista (@kristabellerina) November 3, 2024
#19
Me: It’s time to get dressed for school
— Paul Palmeri (@ThisPaul) March 15, 2023
3 year old: Ok I just have to do something first.
The Something: pic.twitter.com/0BKHdJENXA
#20
Stop leaving your children with their Grandparents to babysit. I asked my nephew how old his gonna be and he said " if the lord sees fit, 10 in November "😭
— Couple Canvas (@couplescanvas) November 7, 2024
