20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

— Helleanor Rigby (@Mom_Overboard) April 8, 2024

No one is filled with more false confidence than I am when I don't write something down because "I'll remember that."

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 7, 2024

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) April 10, 2024

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said "nevermind" 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

— Khadijah A. Robinson (@dijadontneedya) April 12, 2024

When I say you have my full attention you really have like 64% at most

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 7, 2024

moms were so right about so many things. a baked potato being a nice lunch. not staying out too late on a weeknight. refusing to buy lunchables. thinking video games are insanely bad for you. shout out moms, vindicated on all counts

— lauren (@Very__Regular) April 10, 2024

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 10, 2024

My brain: (warm and cozy in bed) long day, can’t wait to drift off to sleep.

My bladder: you’re not going to believe this

— 😺Cat😺 (@CatHunterESPN) April 9, 2024

Sorry I didn't text back! I actually saw your text .025 seconds after you sent it but I didn't want to reply immediately and seem like a total loser whose whole life is being glued to her phone so I decided to wait and then darkness took me and I strayed out of thought and time

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) April 7, 2024

Woke up earlier than planned but at least I also got nothing done

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 9, 2024

mid life crisis? bro ive been in crisis since 13 ok

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 9, 2024

I have always smuggled snacks into movie theatres like I’m pulling off an elaborate heist without ever considering that a teenager working for minimum wage couldn’t care less that I brought my own sour patch kids

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) April 12, 2024

i feel my ugliest when i’m wearing the cape with wet hair at the salon.

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) April 8, 2024

One time I meal prepped for a week and then ate it all in two days.

— 🥴steph🥴 (@eff_yeah_steph) April 10, 2024

I’m going out of town for 5 days which means I’m only wearing back-up underwear so I can pack the 40 pair of good underwear, just in case.

— Christen (this is my indoor voice) Rexing,PhD,MPH (@christen_rexing) April 12, 2024

Can’t wait to tell my grandkids about how we all collectively agreed to continue calling it Twitter.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) April 9, 2024

Has anyone ever lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

— ☆Stacey☆ (@StaceyB_1980) April 8, 2024

they should invent a sunny day that happens on a weekend

— Lindsey Adler (@lindseyadler) April 9, 2024

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

— 🔎Al🔍 (@SweatieAngle) April 12, 2024

I had the realization this weekend that I could probably crochet a stuffed toasted ravioli, and I did nothing else until I had finished.

It’s not much, but it’s honest work. pic.twitter.com/sqBG3w5bOe

— Lindsay Fickas (@lindsayfickas) April 8, 2024