20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim "I must go to the sea!"

— Adriana Porter Felt (@__apf__) July 30, 2023

Sorry for the things I said when the air-conditioning was broken

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 31, 2023

*Likes one pic of a baby otter*

Entire feed fills with otters. Friends and family no longer exist. Only otters.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 31, 2023

Chinese takeout: $20
Tip: $4
Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order: riceless

— 𝕁. (@jtothet) August 3, 2023

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 1, 2023

Something that happened this week was I left my headlights on all day at work and when I noticed, I was worried the battery would be dead.
But it wasn’t because I’d also left the car running all day. 🙃

— RanaAwdishMD (@RanaAwdish) July 29, 2023

I have an awful lot of clothes for someone who wears the same four things over and over

— Helleanor Rigby (@Mom_Overboard) July 29, 2023

The only thing scarier than seeing a spider is not seeing the spider anymore.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) August 2, 2023

Don’t ever feel you need to tell me “long story short.” I want the whole story, side stories, and feel free to act it out.

— Taco (Biggie’s Version) (@bgschnikelfritz) August 1, 2023

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of worcestershire sauce?

— mariana Z (@mariana057) August 2, 2023

Look I’m not saying I’m at a dangerous level of sleep deprivation but I am saying I just found my label maker in the refrigerator

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) August 2, 2023

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 2, 2023

you should be allowed to drink in JoAnn Fabrics

— rax ‘leads with her crotch’ king (@RaxKingIsDead) July 31, 2023

“do you have snapchat” no i have aches and pains

— trash jones (@jzux) August 1, 2023

I asked a question in a meeting and no one answered so I said “Bueller?” and my colleague said “there’s no one here by that name here”. Please send wine and a headhunter to my hole in the ground.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 3, 2023

sometimes u just need to sit in a starbucks parking lot for 30 min in ur car and scroll thru ur phone it’s called girl time

— chrissy chlapecka (@chrissychlapp) August 1, 2023

If you invite me somewhere that requires parallel parking I’m going to assume you don’t actually want me to come

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 2, 2023

Got a package delivered to my house but with someone else’s name. Trying to be a good person and find the correct recipient, but goodness the Lord is TESTING ME. pic.twitter.com/vGsmvAlznT

— Sarah Lungaro, MD (@lungareaux) August 3, 2023

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 3, 2023

With my advancing age, I like to keep my mind active by plotting revenge.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 2, 2023