20 of the Funniest Tweets from the Relatable “Momma Jessie”

Me, 5 hours before company arrives: Cool, calm, collected

Me, 15 minutes before company arrives: I NEED TO PAINT THE BASEBOARDS

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 24, 2022

My daughter could bring up the time I took her to Disney but she usually brings up the time I made her a sandwich using the heel of the bread.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 3, 2022

I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 6, 2020

Of course I listen to podcasts. What am I supposed to listen to? My own thoughts? Oh dear god no.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 16, 2022

Call me old fashioned but I don’t want to download an app for my washing machine.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 30, 2023

*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 17, 2019

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 11, 2023

Husband, Day 1 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener?

Husband, Day 4563 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 27, 2021

One day you’re young and carefree; the next you’re like, “Is that a tufted titmouse at my bird feeder?!”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 23, 2022

My husband said the new throw pillows I bought really tie the whole room together, so if you’re wondering how many years of marriage it takes to wear down a husband, it’s 14.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2021

Stages of plant ownership:

1. I’m going to take such good care of you.

2. Oh no.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 28, 2023

One day my kid will find out that McDonald’s does not sell a 5 piece McNugget.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 6, 2023

Prayers for my husband who very tragically got me nothing for our anniversary when I specifically told him I wanted nothing for our anniversary.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 28, 2020

Parents be like, “Here’s 4 boxes of your old elementary school work you left at the house.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2022

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 27, 2018

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2019

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 6, 2023

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 24, 2022

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 27, 2021