20 Funny Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

Then 5yo daughter: Holds my hand. Sits besides me on sofa. Hugs me when I leave for work.

Now 15yo daughter: Inconsolably furious because I wore a cap.

— Bart (@bartandsoul) December 1, 2018

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 2, 2024

6-year-old: I can't go to school. Look at the weather.

Me: It's a beautiful day.

6: Exactly.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2019

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 29, 2023

Didn't realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered "sure is gettin' tall"

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 19, 2022

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

— Jason, ex inferis (@benedictsred) June 8, 2024

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

— brent (@murrman5) January 20, 2022

I’m at the stage in my life where I’ve realized that nothing lasts forever, except maybe marinara sauce stains on Tupperware.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 11, 2022

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

— Jason Not Evil (@JasonNotEvil) September 29, 2022

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

— Jamie (@spacej_me) July 6, 2023

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

— Jason, ex inferis (@benedictsred) November 19, 2023

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, "How small?"
She replied,
"Just you, me, and the principal.

— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) September 10, 2024

I just wish I could be the person I thought I was going to be when I bought this bag of spinach

— BigKidProblems (@BigKidProblems) August 5, 2019

A very nice patient on the elevator complimented me on “looking like Hugh Jackman” so my month was off to an awesome start before they exited on the ophthalmology floor

— Mark Lewis, MD, FASCO (@marklewismd) October 1, 2024

Just heard someone turn down after-work plans because they have an avocado at home that’s about to go bad

— Max Lockie (@staphwriter) January 10, 2023

The 5yo lost one of her toys and was looking all over the house and I finally found it and brought it up to her room and said “who’s the best mommy in the world?” and that kid looked me dead in the eye and said “grandma.”

— Dinah (@dinahaddie) February 5, 2023

credit card chip machines are like:

– DO NOT remove your card
– DO NOT – hey look at me – DO NOT remove your card
– take out your card immediately or I’m burning this place to the ground

— Sarah J. Hass (@tacko_belle) January 2, 2022

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) July 28, 2022

they’re just begging for a car chase pic.twitter.com/jp7X4O0vjO

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 24, 2023

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back pic.twitter.com/S8LtclvLXd

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) April 12, 2022