20 Funny and Relatable Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

Then 5yo daughter: Holds my hand. Sits besides me on sofa. Hugs me when I leave for work.

Now 15yo daughter: Inconsolably furious because I wore a cap.

— Bart (@bartandsoul) December 1, 2018

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 2, 2024

Didn't realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered "sure is gettin' tall"

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 19, 2022

love the vet. love to hear the staff keep saying “the patient” and it’s a lizard.

— brent (@murrman5) April 23, 2022

I duck my head down while driving into underground parking garages to make my car fit, in case you wondered what kind of superior intellect I’ve passed down to my kids.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 29, 2023

the staff at a diner called me a "regular" and I am very honored but now there is tremendous pressure to be their best regular, I am bussing my own table, I am greeting people, I am ordering the same thing weekly bc it makes them smile, I am in a tuna melt prison of my own making

— Sarah J. Hass (@tacko_belle) January 18, 2023

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

— brent (@murrman5) January 20, 2022

I panicked when my car wasn't in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

— 𝗕𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗸'𝘀 𝗛𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗲 🍁 (@BrickMahoney) June 9, 2023

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

— Jason Not Evil (@JasonNotEvil) September 29, 2022

Biggest argument of the day so far was when the 3-year-old gathered all the cheeses from the refrigerator and I had to wrestle them away from her while she screamed “IT’S FOR MY OBSTACLE COURSE”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 3, 2023

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

— Jason, ex Inferis (@benedictsred) November 19, 2023

My 9yo’s carpet cleaning infomercial:

Spilled smoothie? No worries! Just put a pillow on it and go play basketball.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 27, 2023

I just wish I could be the person I thought I was going to be when I bought this bag of spinach

— BigKidProblems (@BigKidProblems) August 5, 2019

Just heard someone turn down after-work plans because they have an avocado at home that’s about to go bad

— Max Lockie (@staphwriter) January 10, 2023

“oh sorry i just saw your text”
– me with a screen time of 11 hours per day

— James ✦✤✷★ (@vxzfeels) April 1, 2024

"I like your name."

"Thanks, it was a birthday gift." 😭 https://t.co/psJGbRQVuJ

— Farhiya✨ (@farhiiiyaaa___) April 1, 2024

they’re just begging for a car chase pic.twitter.com/jp7X4O0vjO

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 24, 2023

credit card chip machines are like:

– DO NOT remove your card
– DO NOT – hey look at me – DO NOT remove your card
– take out your card immediately or I’m burning this place to the ground

— Sarah J. Hass (@tacko_belle) January 2, 2022

Told my 3 year old we had to go grocery shopping and he said “don’t worry, I’ll make a list” pic.twitter.com/8LYUByRnZo

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 17, 2023

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back pic.twitter.com/S8LtclvLXd

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) April 12, 2022