Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across this month.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
Guy behind me on the plane ordered a “straight tequila” (at 7:17am).
— John Nucci (@JNucci23) March 7, 2024
His wife immediately asked him what he’s doing
He just said: “traveling”
#2
I was out of town this weekend and my husband stayed home. You would think he played golf or went out but no, my man restarted Game of Thrones. I asked how far he got thinking maybe season 1 and he said season 5 episode 3. Friends, I was gone 72 hours and he watched tv for 43.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) March 18, 2024
#3
We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 1, 2024
#4
Just over heard my husband telling the dog that he wants nothing more in life than to pet him, so I guess that was 16 years and three kids well spent
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 1, 2024
#5
If it wasn’t for me my husband would have no idea what he said March 5th 2010.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 17, 2021
#6
Some parents invited us to the pub after an event and my husband accepted for us, like he’s new to this relationship and forgot we’re introverts.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) March 2, 2024
#7
Husband: I thought you were on a diet
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) March 4, 2024
Me: I am
Husband: You just ate 5 cookies
Me: Yes, but I wanted 10. Portion control is part of a DIET
#8
Me: Both kids are at their friends' houses. Time for some afternoon delight.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) March 2, 2024
*goes to bedroom, lays on bed, and closes eyes to nap*
Husband: That's not what that means.
#9
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 4, 2024
#10
the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 1, 2024
#11
I married the perfect man though because every time the kids have tried to stampede into the living room tonight he has intercepted them and sent them away and I just heard him say “Your mother is watching the Oscars LET HER HAVE HER ONE THING.”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 11, 2024
#12
I saw an old couple in the supermarket using walkie talkies to communicate with each other from different aisles so you can no longer convince me that we have nothing to learn from previous generations
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 7, 2024
#13
Let's be real.
— Laura Gieseke (@Laura_W_Gieseke) March 15, 2024
The hardest part of marriage is finding other couples to hang out with who are both in the same stage of parenting as you and which you and your spouse genuinely enjoy spending time with both members of said other couple 😂😂
#14
Watching my 83 yo father turn off his hearing aids whenever my 76 yo mother yells about his weight needs to have its own audience 😂
— Panagis Galiatsatos, MD, MHS (@panagis21) March 15, 2024
#15
There are two kinds of people: those who put their car keys in the exact same spot every single time they get home and those who lose them the moment they walk through the door and those two people marry each other
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) March 18, 2024
#16
When we pack for a trip my wife basically moves out.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 9, 2024
#17
I've had this bulky piece of furniture in my house for almost 10 years and my husband has always hated it. Last night I finally suggested I might be ready to start thinking about getting rid of it. 12 hours later he had someone backing their car into our driveway to haul it away.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 20, 2024
#18
Apparently this is my husband’s filing system pic.twitter.com/V2mfwkCjC9
— littlebillie (@littlebillie) March 15, 2024
#19
Me: *coughs*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 6, 2024
*coughs again*
Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
#20
Maybe I wouldn't eat all of the Reese's eggs if my wife didn't leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 8, 2024
#21
Husband: I thought you said you had therapy.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 4, 2024
Me: Yes?
Husband: You’re parked in the driveway listening to a book and scrolling your phone.
Me: And I have 23 minutes left in my session.
#22
Me: *making a turkey sandwich and carefully cutting off the crust*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 8, 2024
Husband: It’s ok, hun. I’ll eat the crust.
Me: This is for the dog.
Husband: Of course it is.
#23
my father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 8, 2024
