20 Funny Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From “I Hide From My Kids”

My kid does an amazing old lady impression with a toothless grin, a pretend cane, a bent posture and says in her old lady voice “I was born in 1983”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 1, 2022

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 2, 2023

My husband accused me of hiding the good snacks. They were in the snack cupboard. Where snacks live.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 18, 2022

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 2, 2022

I’m so glad I’ve paid for a season’s worth of watching other people’s kids play soccer while my daughter sips at her water like it’s shaken not stirred

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 29, 2022

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and dramatic to watch so I offered my 7yo daughter

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 19, 2022

My husband broke his hand so I opened the pickle jar for him. He said “thanks”. I said “it’s no big dill”. Then I put the mostly empty dip back in the fridge and stood in front of the drawer he needed.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 29, 2023

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 8, 2022

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 15, 2023

My husband could never cheat on me because he would literally need me to make that plan for him.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 24, 2021

My mom once slapped ketchup and cheese on Wonder bread and called it pizza and my kids are complaining that their sushi isn’t cut to their satisfaction

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 2, 2023

My 7yo says “trust me” a lot for someone who lies about wearing underwear

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 21, 2022

My kid wanted to use her $2 to buy an iPad and I told her it’s not enough money and she said “well you bought a whole house when you didn’t have enough money” and now she’s grounded until I can think of a comeback

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 7, 2022

Me to 8yo daughter: omg why are you like this?!

Husband: [slowly lifts mirror to my face]

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 14, 2023

I folded a slice of pizza in half and ate it and my 7yo said “mommy only ate half a piece of pizza” and with those math skills she will always be my favourite child

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 19, 2022

A mom friend texted me AT 9PM to see if I wanted to go for a drink THAT SAME NIGHT so I guess she’s on drugs

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 10, 2022

If you can’t tell me where you were during the OJ Simpson car chase then I don’t wanna hear your life advice

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 12, 2022

Points for creativity to my 7yo who got caught sneaking cookies and tried to convince me she was sleepwalking, at 3pm.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 23, 2022

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 23, 2023

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 2, 2022