20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Anyone else have a kid who’s been planning their bday party for months, and it’s escalating?

My 5yo: I WANT A TATTOO PARTY
Me: Temporary tattoos? Sure, that—
5: REAL ONES. CAREFUL WITH THE NEEDLES
Me:
5: WHAT?
Me: We cannot tattoo your friends. Or you.
5: FINE. SKYDIVING THEN

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) March 30, 2024

My 6yo wanted to take his Easter candy to school today, because he was worried his dad and I would eat some of it while he was gone. I was offended.
He's not wrong, but I was still offended.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 1, 2024

My kid said that his bones feel like magnet and that the bed feels like magnet and that is why he can’t be up for school.

— Mad Hatter Mommy!!! (@MadHatterMommy) April 5, 2024

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) April 3, 2024

The applesauce cup that goes back and forth in my kid's lunch gets out of the house more than I do

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 29, 2024

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) April 2, 2024

Having small kids is so wild because you’ll be having the most dramatic moment of your life, everyone will be screaming, you will be on the brink of tears, your husband will be like “what happened??” And you’ll be like “we were trying to play the board game Yeti in my Spaghetti”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) March 30, 2024

My 5yo, patting my shoulder: YOU FEEL NICE. YOU FEEL JUST LIKE PANCAKES FROM MCDONALD’S

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) April 3, 2024

My child: I like this.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I like this. You and me. Just two dudes gossiping and walking to the post office because we are friends but also we do errands.

— StressieBessie (@EPrecipice) April 3, 2024

My 14yo asked me to get her ice cream “as a reward for existing,” and honestly? Valid.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 4, 2024

I’m not saying I’m jealous of my toddlers, but my life would definitely be better with a fistful of goldfish crackers, shoes that light up when I walk and a naptime.

— Aaron Hoyland (@aaronhoyland) April 4, 2024

My kid went to the zoo and has been telling me all about his favorite exhibit: gift shop

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 5, 2024

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 3, 2024

My 7 yo, in the sweetest most sincere voice: I’m so happy that I have a butler, mama. I love you.

Hi, it’s me. I’m the butler.

— Laura Gastón, Beloved ❤️ (@Broken_Devotion) April 2, 2024

I let my son dish up his own food at a buffet for the first time today. While making his way through the line, he paused briefly at the enchiladas then said, “I’m going to save those for my third plate.” The kid’s a natural.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 3, 2024

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 3, 2024

my 7 year old came home from school and told me she learned online safety including not to click links that people you don’t know send you

because you might end up with a fungus

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 3, 2024

“Mama, can we Google a picture of the Tooth Fairy sitting on her pile of teeth that she’s collected?” – My 6yo unlocking a nightmare I never knew I had

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 31, 2024

My 4-year-old opened a Cadbury Cream Egg and then instinctively opened a mini Kit Kat and used it as a spoon to eat the cream. Taking notes…

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 31, 2024

My 13yo: ‘mum, I made you dinner!’

The dinner:

😂✅ pic.twitter.com/gHaBdab2US

— Carly Waterman (@CarlyWaterman21) April 4, 2024

Daughter's idea for a good April fools prank was stuffing the minivan w/ seat cushions; son's idea was to fake that he'd fallen down our stairwell to his death pic.twitter.com/7GZCSIc5cE

— John Horton (@johnjhorton) April 2, 2024