25 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents Raising Daughters

Daughter stopped dribbling and started talking to the girl guarding her, then she just gave her the basketball because “she wouldn’t stop waving her hands and it was annoying,” so dreams of that athletic scholarship may be on hold.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 12, 2022

My daughter could bring up the time I took her to Disney but she usually brings up the time I made her a sandwich using the heel of the bread.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 3, 2022

Told my 3y.o. we needed to pick up dinner for her dad and she said "Daddy's a grown man he can cook his own food."

My work here is done.

— la pachuca ☭ (@kategoesboom) June 28, 2017

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It's a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She's my financial planner now.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2019

When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, “In a pie-eating contest, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie.” I think about that a lot.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 27, 2022

My 7yo daughter: someone at camp said girls aren’t tough.

Me: what did you say to that?

My 7yo, who has had a loose tooth for over a week: I pulled out my tooth in front of him and he stopped talking to me. #parenting

— Katie Cook (@katiecandraw) August 24, 2018

A 5-year-old stomped into a restaurant in a princess dress, held up her arms and shouted "I'M HERE." I just hired her to be my life coach.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 27, 2017

My daughter locked eyes with a boy at the park, shouted his name while shaking her fist in the air, and he ran in the opposite direction. When I asked her what that was all about she said, “Oh, him? He’s my mortal enemy.” My 8YO leads an infinitely more interesting life than me.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) September 28, 2021

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 11, 2021

My 6-year-old's stats halfway through this soccer game:

Goals: 0

Passes: 4

Hugs given out to teammates: 19

Her emotional support is off the charts.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2022

I checked my 6yo’s bag that she packed for our road trip, and I found sage, garlic salt, all of her Descendants dolls, a fake candle, foil (which she referred to as “silver”), and three flashlights. What does she know about this trip that I don’t??? 😅

— Elise Bryant (@elisembryant) July 5, 2022

My teenage daughter just walked in my room and said, “Mom, if you take my hairbrush can you please remember to put it back?”.

I just looked at her and laughed and laughed and laughed until she slowly backed out of the room.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) May 11, 2021

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 24, 2021

You think you are going to be a cool hip parent, then your 12 year old daughter wants a pair of plain sweatpants that cost $68.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 24, 2021

In case you wondered what it's like to raise 4 daughters, I had to settle a heated fight over whose turn it was to ride an imaginary dolphin

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2016

My daughter’s stories have a beginning, middle, more middle, side plot, almost the end, nope back to the middle, this has to be the end, what is happening, end, alternate ending.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 5, 2021

5 told me to come to her hair salon, rearranged my hair then put the mirror in front of us and said “well I look beautiful but I haven’t been able to help you this time” then she looked me in the eye and said “you still have to pay though”

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 6, 2022

Having a teenage daughter is a lot like your house being haunted.
Every now and again you'll see a figure in the corner of your eye, followed by a moaning sound and then a door will slam shut

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) November 14, 2020

My 5-year-old was pretending to do her Wordle with me. As she pushed buttons on her cardboard phone, "yes! I got it!" I asked how she got it so quick. Her, "I have a pretend phone I can do whatever I want." That's fair.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 14, 2022

1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) August 31, 2015

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 21, 2019

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2018

A mom on my daughter's softball team found a cute snack idea on Pinterest & now all of the girls have their hands stuck in tiny mason jars.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2019

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream… pic.twitter.com/4v8Gjb9riv

— Mason Cross (@MasonCrossBooks) May 25, 2017

I'm glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts. pic.twitter.com/mIJKNg2DEp

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2017