20 Funny Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

garlic is to cooking as vanilla extract is to baking in that the amount i add to my food is guided by reckless extravagance and utter disregard, verging on mild contempt, for the recipe as written

— small nuclear ribonucleoprotein (snurp) (@haragoochie) April 12, 2021

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

— Renée Agatep (@GoingByRenee) January 29, 2022

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) November 15, 2022

I refuse to bookmark a website. I will simply use the far more logical system of keeping 400 tabs open on 32 browser windows until my computer crashes and I can finally be free.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) March 8, 2022

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

— Cara Weinberger (@caraweinberger) January 14, 2019

Kettle chips are great because the crunch is louder than my thoughts

— Ok Kate (@Kateness8) November 10, 2024

I think I’m pretty smart until I’m asked to tap to pay for something- here? where? here? do it again? did that work?

— Mommy Needs a Life (@momneedsalife3) March 5, 2024

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said "enjoy your night" so I said "not today, thanks" and left.

— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) September 1, 2017

Me getting my photo taken: This is going to look great

Me looking at the photo: This is the worst photo I’ve ever seen

Me looking at the photo 10 years later: Damn I look great

— Andrew Schiavone (@aschiavone) May 26, 2021

My friend said she couldn’t wait to have kids so I went over, ate all her snacks & complained because they were in the wrong color bowl. I stayed way too late, did lame cartwheels, unrolled an entire toilet paper roll, hyped her dog up, & left with her TV remote in my purse.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 5, 2019

If butter companies stopped printing the measurements on the wrapper I would literally not know what to do with myself

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 29, 2024

[Putting the exact same task on my weekly to-do list for the 16th week in a row] maybe this time

— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) December 27, 2023

The creator of ikea was like “how can I make furniture that can break up a relationship?”

— Andrew Schiavone (@aschiavone) January 11, 2021

Last month I did the unthinkable and finally threw out that box of unloved cables that I've dragged with me through adulthood.

Today I realised that I needed one of them and have no idea how to find a replacement.

CONSIDER THIS A WARNING TO YOU ALL

— Lemuel Lyes (@LemuelLyes) March 28, 2022

You’re not living your best parenting life until you’ve launched a toy out the front door to stop your kids from fighting over it.

— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) December 4, 2017

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

— kanoa (@heelbitee) July 30, 2024

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 6, 2018

What we really need is wider and shorter plates of nachos. No more tall towers of chips and toppings.

Spread the toppings across a larger area and cover all the chips, not just the top layer.

Stand with me.

— JRGin (@GinRumMe) November 1, 2019

When I was a kid my mom made us “chocolate soup” once and gave it to us in a bowl with a spoon and it was such an amazing treat and like 20 years later I realized it was just hot chocolate and all the cups were dirty.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 18, 2022

If you can't hide a festive crime scene, just pretend you're the victim. pic.twitter.com/DZZRl0nA3I

— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) December 16, 2025