20 Tweets About Kids’ Misunderstandings That Will Leave You in Stitches

I was telling my kids about the time in 1996, after just moving to Atlanta, I got lost and it took me 5 hours to get home because I didn’t have a map.

My son said, “What do you mean map? Like a National Treasure map?”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 30, 2020

Came out of my house this morning and a mom & little boy were stopped at the end of my driveway. Our car blocked my view, but I thought a turtle or snake might be there. “He asked was this is,” she said. “He’s never seen one before.” They were looking at the newspaper.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 31, 2020

My son asked me
"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

— Zack Riley 🇦🇺 (@ColdHeart_Prj) January 2, 2020

In the best yet things-my-nephews-have-done, the 7 year old ordered a burger today, and was asked if he wanted it medium. "Could you please make it very large?" he asked. Told that the choice was between medium or well done, he asked if the chef could do the best he could. Yes.

— Andy Kesson (@andykesson) August 16, 2019

my phone wouldn’t connect to my car and my 5-year-old is very confused because we can’t choose songs on the radio and we just have to…listen to whatever comes on? she would like to speak to the manager.

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) June 4, 2021

*Opens bottle of bleach*
Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn't open.
Me : Oh it's coz it has a child safety lock. Children can't open it.
*nephew looks at bottle in amazement*
Nephew : How did it know I was a child?

🤣🤣🤣

— Julz (@azedi) November 27, 2018

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including "Africa, Asia and Syrup." From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 1, 2020

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 16, 2018

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 28, 2020

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 13, 2017

5-year-old: Dad?

Me: Yeah?

5: Were you alive in the 80s?

Me: Yeah.

5: Were there dragons?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2019

Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 22, 2021

2.5yo to our neighbor: "I have a lot of itchy nipples."

Me to neighbor: "Mosquito bites. He means mosquito bites."

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 11, 2020

We went into the basement for a tornado.

My 3-year-old thought we were hiding from a tomato.

Honestly, that scared her even more.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2016

I’m writing a condolence card. Gregory (5) asks what I’m doing. “I’m writing a note to say how sorry I am that my friend’s mom died,” I say.

He pauses for a VERY fraught moment and then asks, oh so tentatively

“…that’s just to be kind, right? You’re not the one who did it?”

— Miriel Thomas Reneau (@mirielmargaret) May 16, 2020

When I was 7/8 my dad took me to Trader Joe's as a surprise and I got really mad at him because he didn't tell me to bring anything to trade

— Metalsmith Madman (@queefofsharts) July 2, 2021

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) January 27, 2020

my son didn't know the name for a clothes hanger so I was pretty confused when he asked me for a pants hooker

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 8, 2021

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named "Internet." I said no way, that can't be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we've been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

— Brianne M. Kohl (@BrianneKohl) March 18, 2022