20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 6, 2024

I just found out a married couple I know doesn’t have assigned cars. Like they have 2 cars.. but one isn’t his and hers… they just wake up every morning and grab whatever set of keys and go??? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard in all my lives????

— Ashland (@BravesAshland) September 5, 2024

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) September 2, 2024

You’ll be having a good day and here comes a cyber truck.

— Caroline Renard (@carolinerenard_) September 4, 2024

Pathetically begged my local ice cream shop to bring back a flavor they had months ago in their Instagram comments and they actually did it….Don’t listen to the naysayers and non-believers…Sometimes you really do just have to be starry-eyed and shameless…

— pris (@pwiscila) September 5, 2024

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said "lasagna"

— inspector ratchet (@_hood_mona_lisa) September 5, 2024

I hate when I'm doing chores, sit down for a quick break, and accidentally rewatch both seasons of House of the Dragon.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 5, 2024

One time my dad's girlfriend tried to get him to see a hypnotist to quit smoking but he said he knew of a guy who recovered a memory under hypnosis and couldn't stop screaming. It took my sister to point out that he didn't, that was something that happened on The Simpsons.

— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) September 6, 2024

Long ago I worked at a high pressure, psychologically manipulative org where one woman about my age got treated badly and abruptly quit. We all said, “She couldn’t hack it.” Now I regularly see her on Instagram eating fresh caught fish on a beach in what appears to be Greece.

— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) September 7, 2024

IG reel of a girl doing tasks she’s been “putting off for months” and it’s hanging a photo and mounting a shelf. And im Like oh haha I need to like pay my 2021 taxes still

— eliza (@elizamclamb) September 1, 2024

My friends also have, like, other friends, which I think is rude.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) August 31, 2024

I don't subscribe to any magazines, but if they came out with "Good Enough Housekeeping," that's one I might read.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 3, 2024

I’m tired of complaining about being hot, I’m ready to complain about being cold

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 3, 2024

At the age where if I see a chair, I’m sitting

— Noor (@noorrzainab) August 31, 2024

my toxic trait is being productive for 10 minutes and then giving myself a 3 hour break

— 🎭 (@xeiihera) September 5, 2024

Helped a lady find the garlic bread in the freezer case. She was looking by the frozen lasagna, which is a reasonable starting point, but it’s actually in another aisle by the tater tots. This made me realize that I would ace a quiz like this.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 6, 2024

i love when the robot test on a website is just clicking a box that says "i am not a robot." as if a robot would be too ashamed to lie

— trash jones (@jzux) September 3, 2024

In an effort to declutter, my parents (who have been holding onto this) have made me take home my cassette player/recorder from when I was a toddler. I now feel ancient as this is about 40 years old…and looks it…it’s so brown!!! 😂🫣
Vintage Fisher Price! 😀 pic.twitter.com/PXpGtZlQfB

— Kate North (@katephillips29) September 7, 2024

September 1st pic.twitter.com/pdaonQwxAI

— Randi 🐰🥕💦 (@wascaleywabbit) September 2, 2024

i would have been soooo good at being a peasant pic.twitter.com/EpUeBFIvnM

— Lex 🪆 (@lexspicelatte) September 2, 2024