20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 17, 2024

I recently saw someone ask what the most surprising hidden expense in raising children is and I also saw the real and only answer: fruit. Every child is born with a fruit that will be the only thing they’ll want to eat and as a parent you need to pray it’s not ra$pberrie$

— Jamie Kenney (@LaComtesseJamie) March 16, 2024

why is 74 outside a lovely day but 74 in your house is boiling? why is 65 outside perfect but 65 in your house is enough to have your family dying of hypothermia? why does 68 and 72 feel about the same outside, but one is much too cold and one is much too hot inside? why???!!!!

— 𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐡 𝐝𝐨𝐞 (@comfysarah) March 22, 2024

"I don't get why you set so many alarms"

congrats on being able to rocket back to existence every morning but some of us have to be gradually raised from the depths like the remains of an ancient shipwreck being brought to the surface

— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) March 23, 2024

My kid wanted to know what we did on sick days when we were kids so I played an old episode of The Price Is Right and followed it up with an old episode of The Young and the Restless.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) March 23, 2024

Please respect my privacy during this time*

*eating in my parked car

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 22, 2024

Just watched a full grown woman ask a server what pretzel bites are and the server said “bite size pretzels you dip in sauce” and then looked at me like i was the camera in the office.

— Amy Miller (@amymiller) March 22, 2024

When I said I was going to bed two hours ago, it’s not that I was lying, it’s that I failed

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) March 23, 2024

the people who say exercising only needs to take up 30 minutes of your day clearly aren’t taking into account the two hours u need to sit in ur workout clothes and hype urself up

— chase (@_chase_____) March 16, 2024

I need a show that’s good but not so good I stop showering and don’t leave the house for several days.

— L (@Ann_Hedonia1) March 23, 2024

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

— erin chack (@ErinChack) March 17, 2024

Overnight: tossing, turning, feeling hot, then cold, and uncomfortable.

Alarm goes off: Your bed has never felt more comfortable.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 21, 2024

ive ordered a top from a small business and the girl texted me « hi just letting you know that im sewing your top, just wanted to wish you a lovely day »

NOW CMON 🥹🥹

— B (@jadiorbellaa) March 22, 2024

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you can stay in your pajamas all weekend if you want to.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) March 16, 2024

I’m still mad about LOST.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) March 19, 2024

I don’t know the rules; I just put a semi colon where I think it will look pretty.

— 🧣Mad Hatter Mommy!!!❄️ (@MadHatterMommy) March 20, 2024

I love Call the Midwife. They just keep making episodes. I don’t know a single characters name. I can’t remember an any episode or plot point I’ve ever watched. There are 47 main characters, the cast has changed 12 times. It’s the best show I’ve ever seen.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) March 19, 2024

Adding cheese to my leftovers before reheating in the microwave pic.twitter.com/0VL4Gpc6lQ

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 21, 2024

Gave my husband this swim suit and said “Saturn is on the front,” and without missing a beat he said “And Uranus is on the back,” and I laughed until I cried but then the kids were like PLEASE PLEASE YOU MUST EXPLAIN THIS JOKE TO US pic.twitter.com/kNUoTgROEe

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 16, 2024

Natural flavor.
For those who want to sleep in the forest. pic.twitter.com/M2E6K3C447

— Figen (@TheFigen_) March 23, 2024