Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
MY DOG'S VET: who's a good boy? who's the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) January 18, 2024
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
#2
Crocs are dangerous. You buy them thinking “these will be great for around the house” then suddenly… grocery store: crocs, mall: crocs, birthday party: crocs, wedding: crocs.
— Laura Lee (@Laura88Lee) July 24, 2020
#3
Coming out of my driveway earlier as the postman walked past.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 2, 2023
Postman: Are you 34?
Me: [slightly confused but flattered] 34? I’ve actually just turned 47!
Postman: I mean do you live at number 34. I have a parcel.
Now obviously I have to sell my house and move very far away.
#4
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
— Midge (@mxmclain) October 1, 2022
#5
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
— Victoria ✨ (@vickyallover) June 1, 2023
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
#6
The dmv be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence
— sandra 🤠 (@sandra32gonza) April 14, 2022
#7
In a coffee shop we were served by a hipster barista who was wearing a large, wide hat. When she handed him his milk, my son said, "Thank you, kind witch."
— Chris Youles (@ChrisYoules) May 21, 2023
#8
My total was $129 at target and my kid was like “I can put this back” lmao GIRL $1.29 for your snickers bar isn’t gonna fix this 😂
— KLUVVVV (@mamahaaze) May 3, 2020
#9
There should be more daytime concerts. What do you mean “Doors at 9.” What about my bedtime?
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 30, 2023
#10
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) February 22, 2021
me when i get home: crackers
#11
went into my local charity shop, found a gorgeous shirt and thought to myself “what a find” bought it, took it home – shortly after I realised it was my shirt. That I donated. To the charity shop. 🙂 x
— S O P H (@SophGalustian) February 3, 2023
#12
*Me, a surgeon, chopping sweet potatoes with my mom.”
— Dr. Chels (@Muktab_) December 25, 2023
My mom: Be careful with that knife.
#13
Reading way above my grade level didn’t get me as far in life as I had hoped
— LL Gabagool Jay (@LLGabagoolJay) March 6, 2024
#14
My twins opened a hairdresser, told me my hair was “like camel fur” said they have no availability until July and I had to pay them 60 billion anyway. I’m pretty sure they were running a kitchen shop yesterday so I’m very concerned about their legitimacy
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 3, 2023
#15
My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015
#16
Netflix and Hulu got one more price raise before I dust off that dvd player 😑
— Henny Vision (@_EricLamarBeatz) September 29, 2023
#17
I’m at the produce market and the smallest italian greyhound I have ever seen just snatched the remaining third of my croissant and the owner hissed AUDREY and they both ran away
— marrowing (@marrowing) June 3, 2023
#18
Sitting across from the 5yo at dinner and something came up and I knew – I KNEW – she was about to say a bad word. I looked at her and she looked at me and I shook my head and said “don’t” and without taking her eyes off me she whispered “I’m thinking it”.
— Dinah (@dinahaddie) March 4, 2023
#19
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) November 3, 2018
#20
Told my niece to fold the clothes in the dryer and came back to this🤦🏽♂️😭 pic.twitter.com/BILBLnI4MI
— Señor Platano🇵🇷🇩🇴 (@joey_fazo2) February 24, 2024
