Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
I asked my 5yr old daughter what she wants to be when she grows up and she said a dog catcher. I said you mean animal control? She said no I don’t wanna control the dogs, I wanna catch them, give them a hug and let them go. I just told my wife I’m considering a career change.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) December 17, 2020
#2
Sorry I’m late I was scrolling to my birth year.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) March 6, 2024
#3
The 6yo figured out she can sneakily stick a note on someone’s back. But she doesn’t know they should say things like “kick me,” so they just have space facts on them.
— Robert McNees (@mcnees) December 16, 2018
#4
House Hunters: she’s a school teacher and he folds pieces of paper in half for charity, their budget is 4.7 million dollars.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) March 5, 2024
#5
Samuel L. Jackson is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,"I'm in this now."
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) March 7, 2024
#6
Me: wow I can't believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren't expensive!
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) November 16, 2018
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
#7
Getting older means your arm must be in a certain position before going to bed so you'll have full use of it the next day.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 7, 2024
#8
You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.
— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 20, 2019
#9
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014
at least we don't have to save for college
#10
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 21, 2023
#11
I just heard someone respond to an invite with “no, I’d hate that” and they’re my new hero.
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) March 5, 2024
#12
I have absolutely nothing in common with people who "forget to eat."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 7, 2024
#13
I am in Target. I am trying to buy a photo album. I asked where they might be. Worker did not know what a photo album was. I said it was a place to keep pictures. He sent me to the tech aisle. He assumed I wanted memory to store more pictures on my phone. I am 1 billion years old
— Monica Hesse (@MonicaHesse) March 29, 2023
#14
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
— Manders 🌻 (@SunflowerGpsy) February 7, 2024
#15
Someone just described a family as “Not a big food family” and I’ve never been less motivated to know a family in my entire life.
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) April 24, 2021
#16
Crocs are dangerous. You buy them thinking “these will be great for around the house” then suddenly… grocery store: crocs, mall: crocs, birthday party: crocs, wedding: crocs.
— Laura Lee (@Laura88Lee) July 24, 2020
#17
I just recently discovered my 3yr old doesn’t want my food if I tell him it’s spicy. Just in the last day I’ve had spicy chips, spicy french fries, spicy cookies, spicy chocolate and spicy ice cream with no sharing. It’s like I figured out a parenting cheat code or something.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) September 5, 2021
#18
my 6yo keeps drawing these pictures of "the shadowman." i'm not ready to die y'all 😭 pic.twitter.com/jWnSba105k
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) September 1, 2021
#19
Carry yourself w/the confidence of a girl holding a massive owl. pic.twitter.com/swR8EllYwO
— Rebecca (Slatkin) Sloane (@RebeccaSlatkin) September 12, 2016
#20 Where can I apply for this job??
the perfect job does not exi— pic.twitter.com/b49OzqnV2M
— NurseBrianRN (@rn_murse) March 3, 2024
