20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

5yo: DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU A GIRL BIRD OR A BOY BIRD?
Me: Um… a girl bird?
5yo: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GIRL BIRDS AND BOY BIRDS IS–
Me: Hey, babe, we're in the church office, so maybe be a little quieter about–
5yo: GIRLS HAVE EYELASHES

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) March 19, 2024

Last week I was a bit concerned that my 3yo had spoiled the surprise my husband had for my birthday, but it turns out Rob actually got me a gift certificate to a local independent bookstore 🙌 and not, as Andy had asserted, "a monster truck to share with me."

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) March 17, 2024

My 3.5-year old, eating his porridge, glances out the window at my car and comments absently, "I see you still have your winter tires on."

I swear, I'm raising my own father.

— Deonandan (@deonandan) March 20, 2024

My husband took our 7yo to the movies last week. My husband snuck in a small bag of candy for each of them and my 7yo won’t let it go and is treating my husband like a criminal.

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 18, 2024

I was shushed by my children earlier because they were in the middle of performing, and I quote, “surgery on dinosaurs”.

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 22, 2024

My 6yo is on a fake phone call and just announced "I know I know I know you told me that last meeting," so now he's my life coach

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 20, 2024

My dad, surveying the vast expanse of train track my 3yo has created: "Wow. Is this the Island of Sodor?"
3yo, with dignified patience: "No, Grandpa. It is a LIVING ROOM."

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) March 22, 2024

The same kid who is keeping me up every night would like to know why my “eyes look bruised”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 23, 2024

Parenting translator:

No = no.
Maybe = no.
Yeah… that would be fun = no.
Perhaps someday = no.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) March 17, 2024

My 10-year old son asked to skip school for the NCAA tournament tomorrow and I’m just a little more proud of the request than a responsible parent probably should be.

— Chris Lee (@chrislee70) March 21, 2024

If your kid ever asks you something when you're not listening, never just blindly reply with, "Sure."

I've been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 21, 2024

Kids these days will never know the anxiety attack of having to call and place your order on the phone with a live person if you wanted pizza.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 19, 2024

No one told me having teens would require a subscription on Amazon for silverware.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 19, 2024

“Family are we hungry”- my 2 yo daughter letting me know she’s ready to eat

— Princess (@themultiplemom) March 22, 2024

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I'm 40. I don't need to know that anymore.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 20, 2024

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 19, 2024

We are one day into spring break, and my oldest kid already threw a chicken drumstick at his brother

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 19, 2024

5yo: IS THIS AN OLD NUMBER?
Me: I mean, all numbers are kind of the same age, babe.
5yo: BUT IS IT OLD?
Me: Sort of? I guess?
5yo: MY TEACHER SAID THERE ARE OLD NUMBERS AND EVEN NUMBERS SO WHICH IS IT

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) March 20, 2024