The Best of Twitter: 21 Hilarious Quips That Will Have You Laughing Out Loud

5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”

Reader, his name is HARVEY.

— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023

Cant seem to sleep. Let's see if the bright light of my phone containing all the information in the entire world held inches away from my face for the next 15 minutes manages to lull me into a peaceful slumber.

— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) July 16, 2022

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 23, 2021

My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant

— The Dad (@thedad) November 5, 2018

Hey guy with hydration pack, 2 hiking sticks & North Face vest; my 5 yr old walked the same trail in Crocs carrying a naked Barbie. Relax.

— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) October 17, 2017

being in costco is such a disorienting experience like what do you mean this is the cereal/hot tub aisle

— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 30, 2022

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 18, 2022

My toddler asked me to give her chicken nuggets a checkup. After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 6, 2020

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 27, 2019

imagine a cereal so bad that two scoops of raisins made it better

— Village Person (@SvnSxty) October 26, 2021

My dreams be like:

“You seem stressed. Would you prefer to lose all your teeth tonight or return to high school?”

— Sara Land (Uzer) (@sara_uzer) May 21, 2021

Thanks for the clarification, Dad. pic.twitter.com/Y2ulMh7sJV

— Ray (@rayy_baybay) July 21, 2017

My son got a face tat. Go ahead and bottle feed, it doesn’t matter.

— uncle mom (@mayamanion) December 18, 2022

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

— InsoMOMniac (@insoMOMniac) October 13, 2018

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 12, 2023

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

— Boosh (@whatsupboosh) April 3, 2019

sometimes my low pony looks cute but sometimes i look like a young man in colonial america eager to start his woodworking apprenticeship

— crick (@cricketcg) September 23, 2018

I accidentally flushed the toilet instead of letting my kid do it which in the toddler community is a crime punishable by death.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 3, 2019

Someone who just took the worst photos of you you’ve ever seen :
“this one is cute”’

— Mel Reneé (@MelReneeStyles) June 18, 2022

My son asked me
"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

— Zack Riley 🇦🇺 (@ColdHeart_Prj) January 2, 2020

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

IT’S JULY 6th AND PEOPLE ARE STILL SETTING OFF FIREWORKS.

ONE ALMOST CAUGHT OUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS ON FIRE.

— JOHN BRUBAKER (@CoachBru) July 7, 2021