21 Funny Tweets to Bring Some Laughs to Your Day

Cant seem to sleep. Let's see if the bright light of my phone containing all the information in the entire world held inches away from my face for the next 15 minutes manages to lull me into a peaceful slumber.

— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) July 16, 2022

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if the house is 73 and you want it to be 68 turning the thermostat down to 60 doesn’t get you to 68 any quicker

and by idk who I mean my wife

but I can’t tell her because she is pregnant and scares me

— Jonathan Rittgers (@jonrittgers) August 20, 2020

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 23, 2021

You can tell your Husband exactly where to go in your purse, and He will bring the entire purse back to you. 🤣😂😅

— Sheri Wilkinson💙 (@SheriAWilkinson) January 8, 2022

When a kid says "daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor"

— LIFEISAJOURKNEE (@LIFEISJOURKNEE) August 31, 2022

I don’t know who needs to hear this but living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking

— todd dillard (@toddedillard) July 21, 2022

being in costco is such a disorienting experience like what do you mean this is the cereal/hot tub aisle

— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 30, 2022

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 18, 2022

My 5yo can't drive her pretend car because she can't find her driver's license that she made out of cardboard. She's stressing because she doesn't know how she's going to take her babies to the park. Her pretend play is too real. I'm stressing with her.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 12, 2022

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 27, 2019

imagine a cereal so bad that two scoops of raisins made it better

— Village Person (@SvnSxty) October 26, 2021

I finally caught up on all the laundry only to discover that I don’t have enough room in the closets to put all the clothes away

I’ve disrupted the balance!

— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) June 18, 2020

Oh the day you got married was the best day of your life? Well obviously you never found an onion ring in your fries

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) December 29, 2022

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize that we went to high school together.

— Bob Kostic (@causticbob) March 24, 2022

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

— InsoMOMniac (@insoMOMniac) October 13, 2018

Being a baby must be traumatizing at times. Imagine going to sleep in your house and you wake up at Target

— Andy Faris (@andyfaris) August 16, 2019

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

— Boosh (@whatsupboosh) April 3, 2019

I enjoy riding alone so I can replay 1 song 50 times with no complaints

— Steve (@thahumorguy) September 26, 2022

I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning. And I love the sound of no one talking to me while I drink it😏

— mylovelylens (@mylovelylens1) January 20, 2022

Someone who just took the worst photos of you you’ve ever seen :
“this one is cute”’

— Mel Reneé (@MelReneeStyles) June 18, 2022

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted "yes girl remix!!"

— kelsey (@silence__kit) July 7, 2017