20 Hilarious Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said:
"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said:
"Bring my laptop back now.”

I said: "$200 and it’s yours.”

— mariana Z (@mariana057) April 9, 2023

5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”

Reader, his name is HARVEY.

— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023

Stages of plant ownership:

1. I’m going to take such good care of you.

2. Oh no.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 28, 2023

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) February 23, 2021

My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant

— The Dad (@thedad) November 5, 2018

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 7, 2022

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 18, 2022

My toddler asked me to give her chicken nuggets a checkup. After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 6, 2020

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 27, 2019

imagine a cereal so bad that two scoops of raisins made it better

— Village Person (@SvnSxty) October 26, 2021

My dreams be like:

“You seem stressed. Would you prefer to lose all your teeth tonight or return to high school?”

— Sara Land (Uzer) (@sara_uzer) May 21, 2021

Thanks for the clarification, Dad. pic.twitter.com/Y2ulMh7sJV

— Ray (@rayy_baybay) July 21, 2017

My son got a face tat. Go ahead and bottle feed, it doesn’t matter.

— uncle mom (@mayamanion) December 18, 2022

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

— InsoMOMniac (@insoMOMniac) October 13, 2018

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 12, 2023

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

— Boosh (@whatsupboosh) April 3, 2019

sometimes my low pony looks cute but sometimes i look like a young man in colonial america eager to start his woodworking apprenticeship

— crick (@cricketcg) September 23, 2018

I accidentally flushed the toilet instead of letting my kid do it which in the toddler community is a crime punishable by death.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 3, 2019

Someone who just took the worst photos of you you’ve ever seen :
“this one is cute”’

— Mel Reneé (@MelReneeStyles) June 18, 2022

My son asked me
"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

— Zack Riley 🇦🇺 (@ColdHeart_Prj) January 2, 2020