20 Funny Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From “Daddy Go Fish”

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 19, 2022

Swiped my credit card at the gas pump but it said Please Pay Cashier Inside and I thought haha that’s so cute as I drove to another gas station.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 20, 2021

Car trips with my wife are great ‘cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 15, 2022

me: *enjoying my coffee

8yo: daddy why is there grey in your beard I thought that was only for grandpas?

me: *no longer enjoying my coffee

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 16, 2022

me: a dozen is 12, but a baker’s dozen is 13.

my 8yo: that makes sense because there’s a kid at my school named Baker who’s bad at counting.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 13, 2023

Decided to liven up the scrambled eggs this morning by adding a little spinach. Follow me for more tips on how to ruin an 8yo’s life.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 12, 2022

My 7yo refused to tie his shoes so I joked that someday his wife would need to do it for him, and he responded by naming all the girls in his class that were really good at tying shoes.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 27, 2022

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 26, 2023

Marriage is amazing because you learn lots of things about yourself. For example, today I learned that my favorite shade of beige curtains is I DON’T CARE PLEASE JUST PICK ONE I’M IN HELL

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 15, 2022

I would’ve been a way happier parent in the 80s when no one cared about sunblock and kids just drank from puddles or whatever

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 30, 2022

Whoever invented the wrapping technique “ just throw it in a bag and put some paper on top” was a genius.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 28, 2023

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 9, 2022

My 7yo brought home a plant that his class grew at school. So I guess I’m handling Part 2 of the lesson which is how plants die.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 29, 2021

Can we end the madness already and add a g to the end of orangutan?

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 7, 2021

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 23, 2022

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 2, 2022

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 20, 2022

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 10, 2023

We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 1, 2024

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 12, 2023