20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration

— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) September 22, 2023

My favorite yoga pose is reaching for the remote control on the far end of the table without falling off the couch.

— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) September 21, 2023

Now begins the season where I tell myself eating 20 mini candy bars is healthier than eating 1 regular sized candy bar.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 19, 2023

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

— Marl (@Marlebean) September 17, 2023

My husband told me we were out of BBQ sauce because he couldn’t find it so I went to the fridge & looked behind the milk & OMG it’s a miracle: we’re not out of BBQ sauce.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 21, 2023

I never feel closer to my dog than when I watch him run away with a treat, it’s like I get it dude, I wanna eat my chocolate bar in private too

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 21, 2023

Heard a woman in Target ask her kid ‘is that a smart choice to make with your money?’ and now I wish she would follow me around the store, too.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 22, 2023

"The other day" -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

— inspector ratchet (@_hood_mona_lisa) September 19, 2023

“would you like to check your account balance?” god no. my balance is none of my business

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 18, 2023

Nothing disappoints quite like finding a tiny car or motorcycle in the parking spot you thought was empty

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 17, 2023

It’s officially the 21st night of September, so don’t forget to leave out milk and cookies for Earth, Wind & Fire.

— Lynda Carter (@RealLyndaCarter) September 21, 2023

I'm always sad when my sandwich is over.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) September 18, 2023

The nicest thing anyone can do for me is to cancel the plans we made

— Midge (@mxmclain) September 19, 2023

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 20, 2023

To my fellow Gen Xers,

You have *got to* stop double-spacing after a period. It makes you look antiquated, and not in an old Nirvana t-shirt kind of way.

— Amy G Dala MD (@AmyGDalaMD) September 17, 2023

It’s important that you all know that I am at Costco and a man next to me just rotated a box of Tide detergent and said, “Look how the tide has turned.”

— Andrea Stewart @[email protected] (@AndreaGStewart) September 17, 2023

I feel like whoever named them Red Delicious apples has never actually eaten a delicious apple.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 18, 2023

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) September 21, 2023

The younger generation will never know the absolute panic of dropping the Mapquest directions and the pages getting mixed up while a dad screams, “WHAT EXIT DO I TAKE????”

— emily (@emilykmay) September 18, 2023

I grabbed what I thought was a container of leftover chicken and potatoes from the fridge this morning on my way to the office, but it turns out it was actually cookie dough.

I regret nothing. pic.twitter.com/vfT5ObeOa5

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 20, 2023