20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

the couch is for being so exhausted and cozy you can’t possibly keep your eyes open. the bed is for laying wide awake tossing and turning in the throes of an existential crisis until the sun comes up

— chase (@_chase_____) September 12, 2023

I talked with my 8yo goddaughter today, and she quizzed me with her flash cards for her upcoming civics test. She didn’t like my definitions of “law,” “rules,” or “government” & told me I should go back to 3rd grade. I told her I am a law professor, but she was unmoved.

— Jessica K. Lowe (@jessicaklowe) September 12, 2023

ever since the pandemic I’ve reached dazzling new heights of how ugly I’m willing to be in public

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) September 15, 2023

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

— erin chack (@ErinChack) September 11, 2023

My mom downloaded Uber and ordered a ride for the first time. She's 66, she's never done it, and I'm proud of her!

I was less proud to learn that in the process she accidentally signed up to become an Uber driver.
💀💀💀

— Jordan Emmons (@joremmons) September 15, 2023

I love it when they knock on the exam room door at the vet’s office, like yes I’m still dressed. Thank you.

— A̸n̶d̶r̸e̶y̷a̵ 🐾🐈‍⬛🕸️ (@AndreyasAsylum) September 12, 2023

Crazy that when u get back from a trip they make you live the same life

— chlobuchar (@me_im_chloe) September 10, 2023

I got so excited when I thought someone texted me but it was just my watch telling me to stand up in case you were wondering how lit my Saturday nights are

— It’s 𝘿𝙖𝙣𝙖, actually (@HourLongSauce) September 10, 2023

I don’t have the energy to ride or die, but if anyone wants to sit and snack, I can be available for a couple of hours tomorrow.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 9, 2023

I've said it before and I'll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) September 8, 2023

i wasn’t born for a 9-5 i was born to watch the sunset on a porch with my buddies

— trash jones (@jzux) September 11, 2023

looking at the Taco Bell menu with my hands clasped behind my back like im taking in the Mona Lisa

— coolgirlonline (@coolgirl0nline) September 14, 2023

Almost 18 years of marriage and my husband still refuses to let me make a cup of tea for him. Finally tonight I asked him if it’s because I’m American and he said “that’s almost certainly part of it, yes.”

— @sonjadrimmer.bsky.social (@Sonja_Drimmer) September 14, 2023

Going to start a website called, "Do I Have to Parallel Park" and all it is is restaurants, event venues, museums, etc and if the only parking option available is parallel parking.

— Holly Stallcup (@HollyStallcup) September 10, 2023

my dad has a bunch of friends over and one of the guys just asked him to pause the game so he could announce his divorce

— bailey moon (@baileymoon96) September 10, 2023

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2023

Now that its been a few years I can reveal that once on here when I was pregnant w my son I made a joke about bad baby names and someone was like "just don't name the baby Winifred" and we'd already decided if it was a girl she'd be named Winifred and now we have a Winifred. 😂

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 15, 2023

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

— 🪦⚰️🎃Spooky Leggy Pain🕷️🕸️🦇 (@coffeeandvinyl1) September 9, 2023

Anyone else have a whole fridge drawer just for cheese? pic.twitter.com/KVhoEYzcKs

— Just Gina (@GinaUrso) September 10, 2023

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

— Beth McColl (@imbethmccoll) September 13, 2023