20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

Not to be dramatic but they rearranged my favorite grocery store and I want to call the cops

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 5, 2023

i hate when i’m telling a story and someone tells me to “get to the point.” can’t you see i am taking the scenic route

— trash jones (@jzux) December 7, 2023

I’m sorry I’m late, I got stuck behind someone going the speed limit

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 5, 2023

I recently cooked together with my friend who always makes super simple but very delicious food, and it turns out her secret is just adding even more butter and salt than I thought is reasonable

— Made in Cosmos is taking a break ✨ (@made_in_cosmos) December 2, 2023

I think it might be time to do laundry, I’ve just reached the “weird underwear” section of my drawer

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) December 4, 2023

microwaves are so so good at heating up bowls. the food inside the bowls? now that’s a different story

— trash jones (@jzux) December 1, 2023

I'm not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 7, 2023

My biggest contribution to society is that at bday parties I always sing Happy Birthday at a quick, upbeat tempo and I do it very loudly so everyone speeds up to match me, and I save the party from having to listen to the usual funeral dirge rendition of the song.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 6, 2023

Christmas shopping is so hard when your personality is like you know who would love this?? Me

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 3, 2023

9pm: I'm going to have a piece of cheese

10pm: I'm going to eat cheese until I'm ill

— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) December 5, 2023

My husband bought a stud finder and didn’t put it to his chest to see if it works. Someone come take his dad card away.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) December 4, 2023

Our exterminator left his notebook at our house today and – literally – this was all he wrote down. pic.twitter.com/hRBFIO573b

— Molly Oswaks (@mollyoswaks) December 8, 2023

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) December 7, 2023

It’s so funny that one of Santa’s reindeer is named Vixen. He’s like “and this…is the sexy one.”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 3, 2023

Does UPS know that we don’t care when the “label was created?”

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) December 7, 2023

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

— ❄️mari-lwyd odent❄️ (@oldenoughtosay) December 6, 2023

Christmas is way prettier when you have astigmatism.

— ✧･ﾟ: bri ﾟ✧*: (@_brimarr) December 7, 2023

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 7, 2023

Is anyone out there still ironing? Is ironing still a thing? I was brought up to believe adult life would involve a lot of ironing, but simply hanging stuff up seems to work just fine.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) December 7, 2023