Top 20 Best Tweets from Funny Mom Candy Elliot

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 6, 2024

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 21, 2018

I spend the first 10 minutes at any social event planning my exit strategy.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2022

My favorite summer activity is called “friends with pools who live within a 5-mile radius.”

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 26, 2024

Has 50 coffee mugs. Drinks out of the same one every day.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 9, 2022

I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.

Follow me for more marriage advice.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 9, 2024

That moment when you finish all the dishes, turn around, and realize you forgot all the pots and pans on the stove.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 21, 2024

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 10, 2022

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 8, 2022

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re the person who falls asleep on the couch after dinner and says “I was just resting my eyes for a minute."

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 23, 2022

My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 11, 2022

Welcome to middle age. Clean sheet night excites you now.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 2, 2020

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 13, 2020

The 5 second rule doesn't count if you have a 3 second
dog.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 13, 2023

My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I’m not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 18, 2022

Stylist: Would you like me to curl your hair?

Me: Yes! When I do it myself I end up looking like Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie.

Stylist: Who’s that?

Me: Just curl my damn hair.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 7, 2023

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 5, 2022

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2023

I wish I could go out with you tonight but I have two avocados that will be ripe from 6:00- 6:15PM.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 23, 2021