20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

My 6yo announced, "All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That's not much. Just two things."

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) September 11, 2023

"Hi, my daughter will be late to school because there’s a bump in her sock."

— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 11, 2023

The excitement I used to feel about going out and partying doesn’t even come close to how I feel about going to bed before 9

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 16, 2023

Every morning my 3yo tells me "I wish you would straighten your hair and put on lipstick" and tbh if he was my boyfriend I'd break up with him for this.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 13, 2023

My 12-year-old asked to wear crop tops.

I agreed on one condition: Any time she wears one in public, she must be accompanied by one of her parents also wearing a crop top.

And that’s how I won that debate.

— Kaeley Triller (@KaeleyT) September 15, 2023

I just want to know- how many years after the kids go to college do you keep finding tiny Lego pieces?

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) September 9, 2023

I’ve done the math and you should have time to work on that baby book you bought when you were pregnant around when your youngest child heads off to college

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) September 11, 2023

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 12, 2023

Me: Hey did you know……

Wife: I told you that two days ago, that’s how you know.

Me: makes sense

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 15, 2023

The first time you change the sheets on a bunk bed is when you realize what a terrible invention they are.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 13, 2023

I just sent my 23-year-old a text of outrage because I got a bill in the mail for highway tolls he didn’t pay and he texted back, “What is a toll?”

— Shannon Watts (@shannonrwatts) September 16, 2023

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) September 10, 2023

Wife *from the kitchen*: I love you!!

Me *from the living room*: I Love you too!

Wife: That was for our dog, not you

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 13, 2023

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 13, 2023

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) September 16, 2023

People said that raising teenagers is hard, but my 13-year-old made eight pies from scratch today and as long as none of them are poisoned this is pretty okay.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2023

Parenthood has caused my perspective on homework to shift DRAMATICALLY lol

Like, y’all had 8 hours w my kid. Y’all couldn’t fit all the work in there?? I only got 3ish hours between home and bedtime. That’s OUR time. You’ll see them tomorrow 😆

— Matthew R. Kay (@MattRKay) September 9, 2023

My son just looked at me and said “Daddy, there’s no problem that pizza can’t fix”

It’s nice to get that occasional affirmation that you’ve successfully passed your values on to the next generation.

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) September 16, 2023

“I don’t know if I should have my own kids or just become a grandma and forget all that.”

– Lillian, 5 years old

— KID QUOTES! (@LiveFromSnackTi) September 10, 2023

Ok, so 5 is flipping over Go Fish cards like she’s reading tarot. I just got an upside down sea turtle, and she said, “Oh that’s not good.”

— Adam (@YSylon) September 15, 2023