The 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

I told a teenager today I used to get 10 CDs for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a CD was, what a penny is, or what the mail is or all three.

— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 21, 2023

My 4-year-old told me a boy in her class hit her so I asked how she handled that and she said “I told him ‘you need to get it together, Neil.’” A conflict resolution queen.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 19, 2023

Me: *dropping off my eight year old at school, exhausted, suffering mightily with the cold she gave me*
My daughter: You look tired, Mom
Me: Aww, thank you for noticing, but I’m okay
My daughter: can you put on some makeup and look less tired before you pick me up today

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) November 20, 2023

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 19, 2023

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 21, 2023

My pregnant neighbour asked my 8yo what she hopes she’s having, to which she responded “I really hope it’s a baby!”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 22, 2023

thinking about when we let our 6yo choose her birthday party theme and she chose “Vampire Shark Luau” and honestly it slapped

— 🌈Dr. Frizzle (@Swilua) November 19, 2023

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say "gobble gobble."

😬

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 22, 2023

My wife left for the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving so I'm wondering if I should wait for her to come home or just move on and try to find love again.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 22, 2023

I walked into the living room and my 5-year-old said, “I hope you always stay safe in this house, mom.”

This is how horror movies start, right?

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) November 22, 2023

Oh good, an email from every single store or website I've ever bought something from.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 24, 2023

11 yo: mom, you look great, like you’re still in your 40s
Me: I AM in my 40s
11: that’s the spirit

— Midge (@mxmclain) November 17, 2023

My kid told me that the cake he ate doesn’t count as dessert because it had raisins in it, and I’m inclined to agree

— meghan (@deloisivete) November 20, 2023

3 year-old drinking a carbonated soda: “It’s like a bunch of really tiny people punching me in the tongue!”

— Barlow Adams (@BarlowAdams) November 18, 2023

Me: Where’s the slime bud?

2: Right there.

Me: No, that’s the slime container…where’s the slime?

-A three-sentence horror story

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 17, 2023

I told my parents my 3yo cried the other night because we weren’t having steak for dinner so naturally my dad was making steak at 10:30 this morning when we got to their house

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) November 19, 2023

My 2yo is crying saying “I need cheese” and omg same let’s go get some cheese baby

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 20, 2023

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can't remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

— The Dad (@thedad) November 18, 2023

i was informed that someone at a birthday party last weekend let my 4 year old try soda for the first time (it was sprite) and when he tasted it he said "wow that is really zigzaggy"

— call me Morticia 🖤🌙🦇❄️ (@MortytheRN) November 22, 2023

What do you think is the most innocuous yet alarming thing a mother could find in her house? I think I have it pic.twitter.com/avF8Ei7vsg

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 20, 2023