20 of the Best Tweets From Parents This Week

When my first son was a baby, I fed him only pureed vegetables in his early weeks of table food; no fruit at first, so he wouldn't develop a taste for too much sweet stuff too soon.

Anyway my second baby who is 6 months old just licked PopTart crumbs off my now-3yo's fingers.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 12, 2023

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 15, 2023

So I’m making coffee earlier and my phone dings with a new email from Netflix. “You’ve now added a new member slot to your account for $8/mo”. Huh? Confused, I come around the corner to see my toddler holding the remote looking up at the “add a member screen” on the TV. Sigh.

— Aaron Hoyland (@aaronhoyland) November 14, 2023

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room

— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) November 16, 2023

Oh god my child just said the most dreaded eight words in the English language: “Mom, they let me bring home a recorder”

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) November 16, 2023

My 4yo enthusiastically said that “today is a nice day!” because we were sitting on the floor eating cool ranch Doritos.

Agreed, buddy.

— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) November 15, 2023

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) November 16, 2023

There’s nothing I lean into more than having my kids take over tech stuff for me. I just hold my device out in their direction and go Ehnhnnh.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 14, 2023

Sometimes I want to email a kid’s parent and be like “listen, you should know that your daughter is on the cusp of being a mean girl, and while this may work out for her short term, you and she should really discuss whether she wants to be selling leggings for an MLM in 30 years”

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) November 14, 2023

I hope my kids never time travel to the 80s because they don’t have the survival skills to make it through a day as an 80s kid.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 16, 2023

The teacher who told my son "men are the providers and women are the caregivers" just emailed to say she needs a cantaloupe for the class tomorrow and damn, I sure hope one of those dads she emailed provides

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) November 14, 2023

My kids wanted to have an 80s party at our house so I just unplugged the internet and we sat around watching 5 TV channels

— The Dad (@thedad) November 15, 2023

Moms: Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I know where everything is.

Also moms: Your orange and black hat is in the front hall closet, left side, on the second shelf, in the brown wicker bin that is next to the black fabric bin.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 15, 2023

5yo: I NEED A PERMANENT MARKER
Me: Why?
5yo: I JUST… FOR MY BEDROOM…
Me: Yeah, that’s going to be a hard no.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) November 15, 2023

[David Attenborough voice]

After wearing it for their entire childhood, the human teenager must shed their coat and bear even the harshest cold in order to prove their strength and attract a mate. In fact, wearing a coat is seen as a sign of weakness amongst their herd.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 10, 2023

Me: I hope this kid is full of personality.

Universe: Here’s a 3yo who will karate chop an 18oz water bottle out of your hands as you’re filling it up because he “wants to do it himself.”

Me: That’s… not what I meant.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 17, 2023

My kids are playing a game where they take turns pretending to be a mom. The mom kisses her baby goodbye, walks out the door to go to work, and then immediately comes back into the room yelling, "Where are my keys?!" I've never felt more personally attacked.

— Katie Sawade Hall (@bluesawadeshoes) November 13, 2023

How do I file a discrimination report against a small business? My 3yo is running a restaurant in our living room, & whenever I order orange juice I receive orange juice, but when my husband places the same order he is given "trash juice" and the proprietor laughs uproariously 😭

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 12, 2023

My 4-year-old snuck downstairs and has been hiding under this blanket for 10 minutes. I might be able to snag myself a quiet morning if I can pretend not to see her until school starts in three hours. pic.twitter.com/EC3ACfxp7S

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 17, 2023