20 of the Funniest Quips From Parents This Week

You may not think I am a woman of great strength of character, but I told my 2yo last night that he couldn't have any more cookies, and he looked me in the eye, bent down and LICKED a cookie on the serving plate in an act of claim-staking defilement and I DID NOT LAUGH

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 27, 2023

As an end-of-summer treat, I told my 5yo he can stay up as late as he wants tonight. His regular bedtime is 7:30. It’s 7:50 and he’s outside swinging on his swing set telling me this is the best day ever. Will keep you posted on how long he makes it.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) August 27, 2023

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 1, 2023

My mom gave my kid $2 and he immediately taped the bills to the wall like some kind of small business owner

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 27, 2023

My husband and I told our kids they weren’t allowed to eat on the new couch. We were so young and naive back then.

That was 10 minutes ago.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 27, 2023

I figured out how to ban certain apps on all four of my kids' phones with the touch of a single button on mine. On an unrelated note, I made four new enemies today.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2023

A girl in my kid's kindergarten class told him she liked his dinosaur shirt, so now he’s planing their wedding

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 30, 2023

Kids, after the 1st day of school: School was AWESOME!

Kids, after the 2nd day of school: My throat hurts.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 25, 2023

My 9-year-old said she misses "the good old days." I can only assume she means when she was in the womb.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2023

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) September 1, 2023

No one laughs or even smiles when I sing “Lord I was born a scramblin’ man” every time I make eggs but that’s the dad life, baby.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 27, 2023

In case you’re wondering about my level of authority, I told my kid she can have a snack but she still asked for confirmation from my wife.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 31, 2023

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 26, 2023

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) August 29, 2023

When people meet my dog, I always say, “Wow, he doesn’t usually like people," even though he’s the friendliest dog in the world. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves and this works every time.

— The Dad (@thedad) August 27, 2023

My almost 3yo just asked me to turn off the rain while at the beach.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 27, 2023

One of my children is crying because we don't have a third floor in our house.

We also don't have a second floor.

— Laura Klenda Sugarbaker (@KlauraLenda) August 27, 2023

I asked 7 if she was ready for second grade and she said that second grade better be ready for her.

— Marissa 💚🍃💛 (@michimama75) August 28, 2023

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 28, 2023

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 1, 2023